One Little Twit

2006-01-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

I Am So Sleepy

2005-08-17T08:45:00.000+08:00

You know it's funny how when you were cast into a regime, you swear, you roar, you rebel, you squirm, you try your best-est to get out of it and when you finally attained your heart desires, you start reminiscing days of the past and now it finally appeals to you after all these years, like the wearing of the uniform.

The almost-impromptu gathering involving 6 women who were ex-schoolmates took place at Takashimaya's Coffee Club. To revive your memory, there was Miss Exotic Specie (ES), the one who now has a toddler Pipa Quek to her credit. There was Miss Long-Legged (LL), the one due to get engaged on Christmas Day this year. There is Miss Lawyer (LW), the one who left Singapore 5 years ago and has never managed to stay in Singapore for more than a month. Then there is Miss Kawaii (K) who is also getting married within half a year from now and finally there is Miss Shu Nu (SN) and myself (OLT).

Below is the conversation between these six women who are not so young anymore and bordering on the point of 'auntie-ness':

ES: Eh, i want to wait for someone to get pregnant together with me leh! It is no fun getting pregnant alone. The queue at the gynae is always very long and lonely.
OLT: LL, where are you holding your engagement? Are you going to wear pretty pretty?
LL: I am booking Aloha. The theme is retro!
OLT: Retro? I love retro!!! I am retro!!
LL: Yeah, might need to borrow your disco ball.
OLT: Alright man.
ES: Eh, there is this alumni dinner thing sent out from St. John. I received the email.
OLT: Wah, how did you get on that mailing list?
ES: I don't know, they just sent it to our emails.
K: Yeah, i got it too.
LW: I think what OLT was trying to say was that why you all never change your email addresses at all for a long time.
OLT: Yeah!
ES: So are we going to the Alumni dinner?
K: It sounds fun leh.
OLT: It sounds like Romy and Michele's High School Reunion kind of thing.
ES: So are we going?
LL: If you all want to go, then i'll go lor.
OLT: I don't believe it. It has been 8 years since we left Dunman and now we are going back as lao cha bor.
ES: Okay what! So are we going? Is the place air-conditioned by the way?
LL: There are only two places they can hold it which is the hall or the basketball court. I don't think it will be air-conditioned.
SN: And they won't hold in on the carpet grass either. The grass is too expensive!

At this point in time, OLT gave a disgrunted look as all the rest of the ladies started twittering about how to get uniforms and words spun into a haze around her. By the time she woke up from her daydreams ...

SN: So we must dress like delinquents.
OLT: Huh?
ES: We are going to wear school uniforms to LL's engagement party! I want to wear the TKGS uniform!
OLT: Because it is green right?
ES: *thought for a while* Yeah!!
OLT: Are we going to wear elephant socks and the laciest bras we could find?

Lacy bra

Striped Elephant Socks

SN: And more! We are going to wear the watches with the biggest watch face we can find and wear and carry Eastpak!

I used to carry a dark blue Eastpak.

OLT: I am afraid that i might not be able to button up my uniform since i ...
ES: The point is not to button up! Show the bra!
OLT: ...

I've been eating fishball noodles for the past 3 days at Millenia Foodcourt. I am becoming a fishball. I am a fishball.

Saturday Day and Night Fever

2005-08-13T16:03:00.000+08:00

Supposing supposing, i have no prior engagement on a Saturday, i would like to sit in with a book (if i have a book), kick my feet around in bed and an ice cold Coke Light to match. Coke Light, i insist. Because a girl cannot lie in bed and kick her feet around and yet drink the normal Coke which would add calories to her already lazy state.

But today, yes today, i have no prior definite engagement (today's engagements are those my absence would not be sorely missed) but yet i suddenly have the desire to be trigger-happy, go to the new library in town and watch a movie.

And perhaps i shall do just that. Because there is only one Saturday a week.

Singapore Sling

2005-08-11T10:52:00.000+08:00

This is infinitely weird. While trying to write an entry about how much i still feel for Singapore, the entry was 'deleted' two times by blogger due to maintenance. It must be a sign from Heaven. I shall expound my love no longer.

This Tall Male Canadian Fella

2005-08-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

I was told yesterday that i have an aptitude for fun and for that reason and others, i was also told that my latest crush on this tall male Canadian fella would not work out.

I have a crush on this tall male Canadian fella who was ironically, the very person i told myself i would never have a crush on almost half a year ago. Half a year ago, he and a group of three other people visited my then-office for a "tour" and i brought them around and i remembered telling myself how geeky he looked and so not the kind of guy i would have a crush on. And yes, i would now tell myself never to count the chickens before they hatch.

He also happened to be one of the interviewers for my current new job. I arrived that day at the reception area and saw him standing beside me, exchanging for a temporary pass to get through the security. A hunch told me to run ahead of him because that hunch told me that he could be my interviewer. And so i strode hastily to the lift and tried to press the lift doors close when he slid in smoothly.

He would not recognise me, i thought to myself and seconds later ... a "Hello D" wormed its way into my ears. "Are you my interviewer?" i asked and he gave me a sideway glance and uh huh-ed me. And i remembered thinking that sideway glance was adorable but my raging nerves overwhelmed me.

I saw him in Canada during my trip and this time, i remembered how adorable he was. He has very endearing mannerisms and i conversed with him much more during this period of time that gradually i built up more solid affection for him.

Me: "So you know how i felt for you?"
Him: "Yeah, i'm not totally inept you know. Only about 98%. But you also have to know that i am extremely shy."

And so i was talking to this other colleague, FE, who knew more about him yesterday about him and FE said it would not work out because he is so painfully shy, he basically shuts everyone out and is blissfully unaware of his feelings.

FE: He would never say he likes a girl.
Me: So you mean if ever one day i can make him say he likes me, i should go out with him?
FE: Yeah! Wait... on the other hand no, he would probably still mindfuck you. He wouldn't know how to handle a relationship because he has never been in one and i bet he has never even kissed a girl before.

(Why does that somehow sound even more appealing? Hmmm...)

FE: And both of you are so different. Ya-dah Ya-dah Ya-dah.....

And in my mind, what kept floating into my consciousness was my last day in Canada when he came to find me to say goodbye and we hugged (okay .. i hugged him and he hugged me back) and when i told him i would miss him, he said "I would miss you too" back.

What to make of it?

The Word I Call "Back"

2005-08-07T04:22:00.000+08:00

I love this picture so that i don't care about my privacy anymore. I love hydrangeas! Now that you have finished looking at the frowers, forget me.

I am finally back to Singapore.

I can't say i am exactly the happiest person around when i stepped into Toronto airport and boarded the 15 hours direct flight to Hong Kong. There were jumbled and disorderly sounds i heard in my head and i could not even put them into words. I stared solemnly out of the tiny plane window, saying farewell to the abundant flowers and green green trees, flat flat buildings and as a finale, to the place i have grown to love in merely a month.

I love the people here. I love the weather. I love Tim Hortons. I love everything.

And in my heart, i know what i love the most. My absolute freedom.

I love being anybody i want to be in Canada.

It's just that sometimes i think Singapore has this stifling effect on people. Singapore makes you feel that you want to be someone. You have to study hard. You have to get a good job. You have to carry a Gucci or an LV to distinguish your "establishment". You have to be popular. You have to be. You have to be. You have to be. And in my whole life, i've never wanted to be. I have never wanted to be anyone more than what i already am and ask that people accept me.

But i shall not complain because going to Canada on an almost all paid expense was a once in a lifetime's dream. And like all other dreams, i know it is going to end. But unlike all other dreams, this one gave me real hope. During the past month, i cleared my brains well. I put aside worries and i live everyday like it is meant to be. I was happy and coming back, i shall be happy. I touched down on Hong Kong airport and i felt so happy when i received multiple messages from friends asking for my flight details so that they could welcome me from the airport. I actually landed in Singapore early and was gratified to see Sandra, Makanguru and Brennan were there to help me carry my luggage and sent me home to deposit my stuff. I felt so loved! And for the people who wanted to come but couldn't, thank you.

And i remembered going to bed "jetlaggedly" at 10 am in the next morning (simply because i couldn't sleep) and smiling a little to myself thanking angels that there are still friends around to make everything better.

On hindsight, i went to watch Dim Sum Dollies after being suitably miffed at missing one of Corrinne May's concert while i was in Canada.

And i am interested on attending the following:

National Day 2005: Street Artists

World Music Month: Salsa, Samba & Bossa Nova by Lounge Lizards.

While You Were Sleeping by Darren Soh.

Time, Phase, Print - The 25th Anniversary

Late Nite @ Esplanade:
Sound Therapy by Electrico.

Late Nite @ Esplanade: Young Ladies of Jazz by Dawn Ho and Michaela Therese.

I am finding people to join me for the above events.

Hey you

2005-08-06T04:46:00.000+08:00

I am back. :)

TO for Toronto

2005-07-25T22:38:00.000+08:00

Over the weekends, we went up to Toronto which was about an hour's ride away from Kitchener-Waterloo when you are driving at 160 km/hr.

Unlike Kitchener-Waterloo which felt really safe (Yew Jin enlightened me that K-W is a retirement area and that will account for all the old folks i saw the past week!), Toronto had a sense of danger lurking. Maybe for one, i am not used to seeing so much 'creative energy' on the streets, every free space was maximised and utilised with spraypaint and even on the trucks.

21/07
Anyway, we went up to CN Tower at about 10 pm. Once on top at the Observatory Tower, i was awestruck as my vision swept over the entire city dotted with lights. It was said that on a clear day, i could even see the Niagara Falls which was probably 3 hours away from CN Tower. The wind there was so strong, it almost swept me off my feet. And all those who know me surely knows that to sweep me off my feet is no mean feat. The gust of wind was hell strong! I was vaguely afraid that my cardigan would act as a semi parachute and send me flying away and i was glad for the wire netting all around.

We cruised around John Street and Adelaide Street to go clubbing afterwards as we wanted to experience clubbing in a different land (and because i showed my male colleagues pictures of the women taken at some well-known clubs and when all they saw tua neh-nehs, they made up their mind to go). However the streets were filled with rappers-lookalikes, busty blondes, gothic femme fatales and WWF wannabes. The whole place looked menacing. Police patrolled around the areas with horses and harley davidsons. We could not find a club to go into actually as it was late and the clubs were closing.

23/07
In the morning, we went over to Harbourfront Centre which was filled with yachts and sailboats and a great big schooner named 'Kajama' with 75 years of history. We took a leisurely one and a half hours cruise on the blue blue waters looking up at the blue blue skies and the white white clouds. My heart went pink pink with excitement.
We discarded the car at some carpark and bought daypasses to sit on the streetcars (the electric trams) and take the subway to Eaton Centre to do some shopping.

24/07
Went on a two and a half hours ride (because someone told us it was grand) to Grand Bend (it's a beach) and it's not at all grand! This is one of the times i felt East Coast Park is more beautiful than other beaches. The only attraction about the Grand Bend was the colourful village stores along the sides of the road leading to the beach. The drive was pretty scenic though with a lot of cows and horses and haystacks. We passed by a small town Stratford which was very peaceful and i bought Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in the 7-11 there (i finished it in less than 4 hours).

Habis. Now is monday morning and me is working. Till the next.

Good Weather

2005-07-20T02:37:00.000+08:00

The lovely afternoon sun at a temperature of 24 degrees celsius.

Canada Quirks

2005-07-19T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry if i didn't manage to read any of your links for this one month. I will do that when i return to good old Singapore but right now, the temperature outside is too good right now and i don't feel like doing anything except to skip outside and play. Please bear with my non-updated status about your well-being and i trust that if there is any important that i should know, please email me :)

So coming back to Canada and more Canada.

I realise Canadians are funny people. The first few days i arrived at my apartment in Kitchener, the landlady told me repeatedly that Canadians are very honest people. I could drop a wad of money outside the corridor and nobody would do a finders' keeper (i'm not about to try that though). On the second occasion, she dragged me and my flatmate from our 11th storey apartment to visit another apartment on the 8th floor. When i took out my key intending to lock the apartment, she pushed me away and told me not to worry, all Canadians are very honest and no one would go into our apartment. Then she literally shoved me into the lift.

I realised the service apartments i live currently must be some kind of retirement area. There is an obscene amount of old folks going in and out and only two relatively young people. We're talking about two younger folks out of the thirty people i've seen since i moved in two weeks ago.

I was desperate to get hold of a copy of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince that i went to Chapters (their equivalent of a Kinokuniya). I did not get a copy in the end. It would cost me a bloody 41 Canadian dollars! Instead i got a hardcover copy of Nicholas Sparks' "The Guardian" at 6.99 which is really damn cheap.

Food here has a lot of variety. When i say "variety", i do not mean there are many kinds of food to choose from. In the first place, this place is infested by burger joints which sell pizzas, chicken wings, spagetti and steak or infested by a pizza joint which sells burgers, chicken wings, spagetti and steak or a pasta joint which sells burgers, pizzas, chicken wings and steak and of course, a steak joint which sells burgers, pizzas, chicken wings and spagetti. Anyway when i say "variety", this is what i meant.

Waitress: May i have your order please?
Me: Can i have a veal chop please?
Waitress: White bread or brown?
Me: White.
Waitress: Toasted or not?
Me: Toasted.
Waitress: Garlic, apple cinnamon, marmalade, strawberry or butter spread?
Me: Butter.
Waitress: Baked potato, Mashed potato or fries?
Me: Mashed.
Waitress: Caesar salad or garden salad?
Me: Caesar.
Waitress: French, cajun, ketchup, something-i-dont-know, another-thing-i-dont-know, thousand island or vignette?
Me: No sauce please. *starts to get confused*
Waitress: Clam Chowder or soup of the day which is spinach and mushroom soup or minestrone?
Me: Clam chowder.
Waitress: Pepper or cheese?
Me: Pepper please.
Waitress: Okay, drinks next. Coke, sprite, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry or banana milkshake, ice tea, fruitopia or root beer?
Me: Iced tea.
Waitress: Okay, order taken. Next please *turns to my colleague and vicious cycle repeats*

I hate the roads at Kitchener-Waterloo too. Someone local once told me the reason why we have crappy roads here was because the town planner must have gotten drunk, stood in front of the dartboard and threw spagetti at it. Whichever strand of spagetti sticks on the dartboard, they will build a road there. Anyway, the roads isn't half as bad as the naming. There is Kings Street North which is nowhere near Kings Street South (they are supposed to be in opposite direction, ain't they? but noooo, they made it far far away) and there are Kings Street East which is nowhere near Kings Street West.

And the shopping malls here are great! Because they are mostly only one-level. The mall would take up a huge area but it would only have one level. You just have to keep walking straight. No elevators, no lifts at all. And it's quite a shiok feeling to jump from shop to shop to shop without thinking which level would what be on. But the bad point is that if i walk into Shop A then walk on to B then to C and blah blah blah, by the time i reach Shop Z and i want to return to Shop A, i could never get back to where i started out again because it is a long long walk.

The sun right now sets at about nine-thirty pm. So after dinner, the sun could still be shining and then you look at your watch and you go 'Holy Marcaroni' because you realise it's already 9pm. Awfully useful for travellers because when i went to Niagara Falls outlet (about 2 hours away from where i live), i could go and shop till 9 before we set on the roads for home as there is still sunlight and the roads are still visible.

I get lots of coins here. There are 2 dollar coins which they call a 'toony' and 1 dollar coins which they call 'loony'. Then there is 25 cents coins, 5 cents coins, 1 cents coins and the weirdest is the 10 cents coins which are the smallest out of all the coins.

I gotta run now (because i'm in training) and i'll update with more when i have the time.

Splendour

2005-07-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The magnificent Niagara Falls!

More photos at flickr

Updates From Waterloo

2005-07-12T05:59:00.000+08:00

I just got my laptop about an hour ago and finally i have connection to the world. At least for now because i have not tried out the home connection yet.

Everything is going good in Ontario right now. I have 6 other colleagues whom i go out with everyday when i am not working which pretty much means the last week. We were so eager to walk around that the second day we reached, we attempted to walk to Walmart and Sears which is about 20 minutes away and ended up getting lost. We also tried to walk to a restaurant, Wendy's and we had no idea it was going to be an hour and a half walk and instead hopped on the first bus that took us back home without dinner at Wendy's. Well, at least now we got our cars and we actually drove to Niagara Falls already! It was spectacular. Yes Lynne, it was good. Very good, i felt really glad to be able to experience all of this in my new job and am grateful for it. It is summer and there are a lot of people moving around Niagara Falls. We took a boat ride near the Falls too and got soaked up.

Shopping was good, everything was good but i missed the food back in Singapore. All my wanton mee, chee cheong fun, bee hoon, laksa and of course all my friends. I miss you all terribly! I wish all of you are here with me to enjoy this moment but take care, i will be back before you know it and we will have fun yet again.

Pictures coming up once i bring this IBM T43 baby back and load it up with Adobe Photoshop and my camera software!

Multimedia message

2005-07-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

Multimedia message,
originally uploaded by hello! twit.

Hand out of the window of the car on the way to Niagara Falls. Sorry i couldnt update much. Internet connection would come next week.

Multimedia message

2005-07-06T14:23:00.000+08:00

Multimedia message,
originally uploaded by hello! twit.

In Hong Kong for transit.

This Week

2005-07-04T02:32:00.000+08:00

Things has been such a whirlwind since early this week. I met up and spent a lot of time with the now ex-colleagues, the old blogging mates, the new blogging mates and my ex-secondary school friends. Mostly pictures because i am of little words these few days. And i've been really good, involuntarily cutting down on my alcohol intake (being whisked away from Wala-Wala by force) by substituting beer with tea at Brewerkz. But to give them credit, their ice blended Oolong tea with Blackberry is delicious. And so is their green tea creme bulee, even though it's very sugary. They say the way to eat a creme bulee is to knock on the top layer with your spoon and then scoop it spoonful by spoonful into your waiting mouth.

Tripleperiod says "Don't take a picture of me!"

A lot of bloggers are paranoid about their anonymity recently and i won't deny that i am one of the guilty per charge.

"No, no no! I shall move my hands very fast so that i will create a mosaic/blurry effect!"

Thursday which was the last day of work and since then, i have been really busy meeting this and that, here and there. I almost teared when leaving my workplace because strong sentiments have been attached to the people who have made work a smooth passage of life.

Shredding each part of my notes manually (the actual shredding machine is somewhere else.

3 years and 10 months of hard work laid to rest in a cardboard box, to be emptied to the recycling bin.

The once messy workstation that made everyone despair...

makes no one despair no more.

Will not forget to bring home D.O.B (Dirty Old Man - dog's name which i forgot its origin.

So depressing, i went straight to ...

Stellar Bar at Ice Cold Beer.

That's right. To get myself a ...

Hoegaarden. It would make things right again.

Anyway, i booked a hotel at Changi Village on a Saturday.

Stupid lamp post blocked my 'a' and 'g'.

Newly renovated Changi Village Hotel, discount courtesy of ribena goddess.

The sat-sat exterior with colourful balconies in the day and bo-bay-zao lightings at night.

The expensive and glittery chandelier-ish lamp by the counter and the restaurant called 'Salt Water'. Wonder if everything is really dipped in fresh salt water there.

Room with best sea view and greenery.

Everyone making themselves damn comfortable.

kinkynomad is a high flyer. kinkynomadess has nice cleavage. I am now trying to increase traffic hits by the use of her boobs. There is a chance that kinkynomad might kill me for putting that up but there is also a chance that he is now currently in Bangkok and has no internet access. Keke.

The kind of long queue we have to endure before we get to eat the Changi Nasi Lemak.

The Secret Recipe Banana-Chocolate cake mandrake bought for me. And this time is so yummy that there is no way you would not like it, unless you dont like banana, or chocolate, or both. Thanks hunny.

There were a lot of moths, giant ones at that fleeting across our enclosed balcony and one landed itself so audaciously and in full monty.

The 24-hour hotel pool is a cool plus factor.

Because we could always drink red wine by the poolside if we want to. Anytime at all.

And we came back for more legendary 'Green Fairy' and homemade mojitos!

And everyone got ravenously hungry after all the drinks. TP & Sandralicious did a favour and ta-baoed pratas for all.

Anyway, all of us were so drop dead tired that we concussed at about 4am.

How To Blog Your Way To Stardom

2005-06-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

Celebrity.

What does it feel to be like a celebrity? Will we get preferential treatment? I will never ever know, because i am not one.

I've been wondering at this good old question: What does it take to be a blog celebrity?

1. Raving Good Looks
If you have that aristocratic nose, deep set eyes, pouty and juicy lips, glossy black mane of hair, a slim and proportionate body (now you know why i can never be a celebrity) and oh, bigger boobs do not hurt. Make sure that all of these when put together makes you look good (you know, some of the worldbest features on its own can go awfully wrong when combined), you are on the pathway to stardom.

2. Chance, Luck, Opportunity
When you write an entry and get brown-ed, miyagi-ed, xiaxue-d, tomorrow-ed or today-ed (the xiaxue-d part can get a little daunting because she could generate more negative press than positive eg. that cab snatcher but of course you might argue that any press is good press). Or you can take a picture with any blog celebrities or even better still, be seen with them. (Hey, this is not targeted at anybody okay. Tsk, nowadays, one can never be too sure if another is reading too much into a meant-to-harmless comment but i'm telling you now that i did not write in between the lines when i wrote that.)

3. Photographs
Big, colourful photographs also attract attention because some people are just too lazy to read words. If you are handsome and you take nice side profiles of yourself sparsely littered with a few 'accidental' body shots with your six pack in view, girls will go crazy. If you are a girl, it is easier still. Show a trim tummy, show firm tits molded under that lycra top and best still, show your pretty face, all is set. Remember to post pictures of yourself frequently. You can be doing the most mundane stuff like .. painting your toenails and comments will flow in from appreciative males telling you how perfectly shaped your toenails are, how smart of you to have chosen the red nailpolish because it fits you perfectly and what a pair of nice feet you have.

4. Sex Sells like Hotcakes
Readers are usually curious about the sex lives of others, perhaps to compensate their less than exciting sex history or just .. kaypoh. Explicit stories of the birds and the bees usually attract attention. Include more tintillating words in like pecker, dick, cock, tits, boobs, pussy, vagina, dildo, lubricant, straddle, stroke, suck, doggy, finger, fuck, prick, ram, blowjob and if you are really looking to be known as a more intellectual sort of sex blogger (with a better vocabulary), convert pecker, dick, cock into words like "tumescence" or "manhood". And besides straddling, you could "impale". When you are erected, you do not say you are horny and my cock is hard, you say "my tumescence is straining upwards towards the sweet freedom of liberty". You do not call a pussy, a pussy. You do not say that she is horny and wet for you but you say things like "her bud opens up and blooms into a delicate flower and you lap up the sweet nectar from the centre of her being, sending her into shivers of estasy (that's cunninlingus)" or if you are cumming, do not write "I am cumMmMing!!!!!", you write "my red-hot member spew up molten lava against her most intimate and sensitive receptacle". If you primarily target at female audience, please remember not to include truthful details like how you tied your partner up and took her in the ass against her will but rather, mention how you cuddle her after sex and kiss her on the forehead and prepare breakfast in bed before you set her to bloom forevermore again. If the target audience is male, try something less fanciful and more straight-forward "He would find out the treasure deeply hidden in the bush, and then fill that inaccessible cunt with his prick, so intense and full that she'd never be able to close her legs again." But of course this is just a suggestion you know. To each his own, there may also be some who revel in coarser forms of language to express their poweress in bed as well. I digress. *cough*

5. Be Controversial
Go against the normal moral codes. Even if you feel sympathy for a certain bloke, harden your heart and write about it in an emotionless manner displaying absolutely no sympathies. Go to the ends of extreme, belittle others, heighten yourself, think that you are always right! This will surely garner comments but be warned. The comments might be a little less than pleasing to the eye.

And if you believe that all the above might make you a blog celebrity, you are silly because if i follow my own guide, i should be a celebrity by now, you know.

Diversion

2005-06-29T05:08:00.000+08:00

I was busy with it for a while but now it's almost 70% done.

Link: theballoonday.com

Mostly, it will be used to contain my writings and whats-not. :)

Support Original

2005-06-27T03:15:00.000+08:00

When i call myself 'One Little Twit', it was not without a reason.

I went on a VCD/DVD frenzy at HMV, Heeren having acquired a sudden and intense desire to watch Notting Hill. Do not ask me why, because i have no idea myself. And so i grabbed certain VCDs i wanted at Level One, then i took the escalator up to Level Two then to Level Three, back to Level One, up to Level Three and back to Level One.

When i finally reached back to Level One, i decided to browse some music CDs on discount and are the bestsellers of the week. I picked up a copy of Damien Rice's 'O' then decided against it, then picked up several other music CDs and when i came to one column, i saw Audiophile Female Voices. Curious, i picked it up and looked at the list of unfamiliar singers and then decided against it. I suddenly remembered that i have always wanted to watch Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and i dashed to the VCD valley, afraid that i would have a sudden amnesia lapse and forget about it. Triumphant that i snatched up the last copy, i headed towards the counter, paid and went back home.

It was not until a few hours later (which is now incidentally) that i started to unwrap my VCDs with glee and found a copy of Audiophile Female Voices in the stack of purchase. I had not even realised that i did not put down the copy i held earlier for perusal, that i was carrying it all the while, that i paid for it and that i even took it home!

So now, i am the proud owner of Audiophile Female Voices starring Susan Wong, Michelle, Rosanne Lui, Tania Hancheroff and Camay Ng.

I anxiously went through the contents of the CD and am quite glad that at least the music content is good and the CD is of high resolution 24 BIT/192 KHZ DSP as stated on the cover.

You can sample some of the songs here.

Lloyd Floyd Rloyd

2005-06-26T15:48:00.000+08:00

Oh i got tagged and this is the type of question i like to answer.

***

So, what is the one spark in the midst of darkness? What is the one thing that made you smile today?

***

My one spark in the midst of darkness:
Knowing that even if our lives are wrought with worries and work and incessant details, there will always be someone who thinks of you enough and comforting arms which open out to you. And of course, the trusty Hoegaarden.

The one thing that made me smile today is:
Three of the same word - "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" derived from Henry David Thoreau ("Where I Lived and What I Lived For" Walden) "Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify! ... Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose."

Yeah, i need to pass the tags to: mr. brightside, statichorizon, wallflower, mad jac and oikono.

The reason why i thought of taking time off to "simplify" was because i attended a friend's birthday party yesterday night in his cosy apartment. Food aplenty, music aloud, drinks too many and a fabulous Banana Chocolate Cake to match, i found myself sitting on a white plastic chair and tucked away in a heavenly little corner (near the pizza, chicken, satay, the mojitos and the sangria) and observing the rowdy crowd around me. Surprisingly, i found myself blissful in my little own world with the rest of the laughing world revolving around me.

Perhaps it has been too long since i've seen some of these people, i mused quietly and the mood was rather kindly. I realize it does not take much to make me happy nowadays. Just a good drink, a quiet dinner, agreeable company infused with laughter in the air would more than suffice. A sign of old age approaching some might say.

Links of the Day: mfluder, valska and platorulez

I am especially touched when i look at wedding photographs.

Picked-Up Cherry Popped!

2005-06-25T17:07:00.000+08:00

For the first time in my life ....

I finally got picked up!

You see, getting picked up is a novel new idea to me. I applied the tricks of those movies and books i've seen and read and i think i handled the situation quite nicely. At least i did the high class antics and made myself look as if i got picked up numerous times.

So the story goes in such a manner that yours truly was shopping for underwear at a ladies department in Seiyu. After paying for the undergarments, i was browsing through some other articles when i noticed someone conversing on his mobile phone and smiling at me from outside of the store. I gave a quick, dismissive glance and continued sifting through the discount articles.

The guy soon came to stand beside me and ..

Guy: Hello.
Me: *gives a weird glance at him* Hello.
Guy: You are beautiful you know.
Me: Oh, thank you. *continues to browse the articles while thinking i got picked up! First time! So exciting!*
Guy: I walked past the store and saw you and i couldn't forget how beautiful you are. So i had to walk back here to talk to you.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Guy: This is my card. *hands me his name card*
Me: Sure.
Guy: You are so beautiful.
Me: *thinks change your vocabulary already lah! How about using more phrases like 'I am gorgeous. I am pretty. I am goddess!'*
Guy: I am an accountant you know.
Me: *gives irritated glances at him* Big fuck!
Guy: Call me alright?
Me: *walks away and waves his namecard and smile and breezes out of the store*

I handled the situation so high-class-ly!

You know, the part that he told me that "I am an accountant you know" really puts me off. It is like tantamount to saying "I have a 14-inch dick you know" in an egoistic manner.

I figured the reasons why he picked me up.

1. I look extraordinarily sexy today (which i don't think so because i am wearing something not low cut and jeans).
2. I was buying black underwear.
3. Men love my furry blue bag with feathers. Looks kinky.

But i wish it would have been a much much much cuter guy than a negro whose name is Prince Gabriel Something.

:(

On another issue, a certain Miss Pink mentioned that she has never thought of hurting anyone. She only blog out her thoughts. She knows they are sometimes mean, but she is just saying her true feelings. Ta ye shi ma ma sheng de.

And dear Miss Pink, firstly in response to you, when "some obscure blogger bash you" she is also blogging out her thoughts and saying her true feelings and lastly if the below is true of what i have seen,

i hope your true feelings does not appear often, it's scary. He is also ma ma sheng de, you know.

That Tiger & That Half-Fish Half-Lion

2005-06-22T19:05:00.000+08:00

It is so therapeutic to be able to sit beside the Merlion at One Fullerton to contemplate into the watery surroundings and to see the authentic bumboats speeding into the gradual darkness. I too, feel like sitting on one of those bumboats someday, an activity i have not found a willing partner to engage in.

But most of all, i am fascinated with the choppy waters near the Merlion which retreat a little every minute then gather force to hurl itself against the steps with gradual force, splattering people who dare venture near it. This motion happened so repetitively and with increasing gusto that i grew lost in watching and it took my mind off some things.

Things like .. "This is a cruel world.", "Do you consider yourself spoilt?". The second question took me aback and it took me a while to answer. I have never considered myself spoilt but when i got the point at what he was driving at afterwards, a reluctant smile twitched at my mouth. Yes, perhaps i have been "spoilt".

That is the fun part about going out with older people. They are genuine on their advice and very serious in issuing advice. They are not too diplomatic to tell you what they think of you and each honest word draws a drop of blood but they also make you contemplate and requestion your beliefs. All along i have been very sure of why i refuse to do and procrastinate a certain thing. Now i am not so sure anymore.

So S, i insist on treating the next beer. Do not whip your credit card out on me.

And Almost Infamous passed on the movies baton now.

Total Number of films I own on DVD/Video
- Less than 20. I always watch other people's DVDs and videos.

The Last Film I Bought
Hable Con Ella by Pedro Almodóvar (director of La Mala Educación)

Five Films I Watch A Lot/Mean a Lot to Me
1. Dead Poets Society

My very first interaction with Henry D. Thoreau who would become a major optimist influence in my life. A film not unlike the recent Mona Lisa Smile, but if i ever think of "Carpe Diem" or to want to live a fuller life, i would be reminded of Dead Poets Society. It may not be a fantastic film, being a tad of what we call "cliche" but it was the film which gave me hope at a period of my life when i lost it.

2. The Dull-Ice Flower

I've watched this film on video tape for at least 20 times since Secondary school days and i never failed to tear at the end of each film. The Dull-Ice Flower is a checkpoint never to forget how fortunate i am not to be relegated into poverty. Unfortunately it could not be purchased anymore or i would continue watching every time i feel like it. [Listen to the main theme here]

3. Closer

Damien Rice "The Blower's Daughter
And so it is, just like you said it would be.

4. Le Fabuleux Destin D'Amelie Poulain

The movie that teaches me the simple pleasures of being me. How little things in life can make me happy.

5. Dancer In The Dark

Björk gives a worthy performance and shows the power of a mother's love.

Tagged to: Sandralicious, Mr Kinky Nomad, Mrs Kinky Nomad, Lynne and Gaston.

My lehlio blog is also updated with new songs. Check out Ryan Adam's "Wonderwall".

From Kenny Sia,

Congratulations , you are...

Huai Bin of sixthseal.com

You are all about recklessness, controversy and not living life by the rules. As a rebel against convention, you demeanor intimidates people who don't know you. Despite most people's negative first impression, you are just a simple person who enjoys doing what you do, and keeping it real all the time. You may have a lot of friends but you also have a lot of enemies. You can be very protective of your friends, standing up for them at the cost of putting yourself in the firing line. You are real. You say what you mean, and you mean what you say.

Which Malaysian Blogger Are You?

Hmmm so cute this Huai Bin, i like.

Clarification

2005-06-20T01:06:00.000+08:00

And i've been hearing weirdass queries about my identity recently.

Many have said i am Sheena, also known as Merenwen. (No offence Sheena, just thought we should clear this up.)

But i am not.

Just so you know.

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I am so delectable, it hurts.

Hoegaarden Musings

2005-06-19T04:50:00.000+08:00

I have been drinking Hoegaarden by pints recently and boy, was it good! So much so that i am starting to feel a little uneasy not having at least half a pint of Hoegaarden each night.

Beer belly aside, i've also noticed that men tend to let their fingers wander when they quietly assessed girls using their innate drunk-o-meter. And when they spot a girl high with alcohol, they will ingratiate themselves with the said girl and try to extract some toufu out of the whole situation.

Scenarios to determine if a guy is trying to get fresh with you and ways to avoid giving him the toufu.

1. The Ruba-Ruba Method.
He will let his hands run up and down your back, as if soothing you. Seemingly innocent right? In fact, this is one of the methods to feel you up. He is perhaps already thinking how soft and silky your skin is. He will rub-rub your back, rub-rub your arms and ask tenderly "Are you okay?" and your mind should always sound an alert if this happens. How you can taiji a man who is feeling you up is to go into fits of dramatic gesture and at the same time, fling a hand and knock over that half-drunk Hoegaarden strategically onto his lap and extinguish his 'fire'. Since he would be busy preventing the 'fire' from extinguishing, you can then seek help from neighbours.

2. The Pillar of Strength Method
Since you are swaying like a coconut tree, he will then try to be your pillar of strength and conveniently curve his arm around your waist. His arm will be like a venus flytrap, ready to draw you close to his body and you should not even let yourself be compromised into such position. What you can do is to pretend to sway even more violently and grab at his arm full of hair and jerk a few good strands out. Any normal being will immediately release the hold around your waist to clutch agonisingly at de-haired arm and you can extricate yourself smoothly out of his venus flytrap and into the arms of another cuter male.

3. The Careless Whisper Method
Since the club is always noisy right, people will then fall hard of hearing and amorous male species now officially have an excuse to place their lips close to your ears and whisper their foul breath into your ear. They might have a range of communication tactics to weaken your defence like "Are you feeling okay? You can lean on me..." or "Dont worry, i will take care of you. You are safe in my arms." or "Want to come sleep over at my place? I have a very comfortable bed." or "Look at you, so drunk but so cute." and please lah, the girl will be safer in a pigsty than with a wolf. To shut the 'Careless Whisperer' up, induce puke. Although puking for women is a very *tak-glam business but in this case, it is necessary to puke your guts out (if necessary, puke on him) and then smile sweetly up at him again and offer to give him a kiss on the lips for being sweet (inspiration drawn from LMD's Bee Hoon Girl). The smell should be a lethal put-off. Otherwise, keep complaining you are going to puke. You are going to puke that Penang Laksa you had for lunch and the Pizza-With-Pineapple-Chunks you had for dinner and keep moaning what a mess you will make so much so till he doubts if it is a good idea to invite you for a non-too-romantic nightcap plus men are damn lazy creatures, they will not want to clean their room if necessary.

4. The Evil Hustler Method
This kind of man will try to psycho you to drink more. If he sees you drinking 2 pints, he will think it's not enough and try to make you drink 4 pints. If he sees you high and happy, he will suggest mixing different concoctions to make the drink more power like ... a Graveyard with a shot of Bacardi 151 or a Heineken with 3 shots of Vodka inside. If you refuse to drink, he will make comments like "Come on, such a girl like you wont get drunk on such a drink, you are too good for that!" and he flatters you so much that you really believe you can up the knife mountain and down the oil wok (上刀山下油锅) and guggle the potent drink down. Else he will blackmail you with "Wah lau! We friend friend you also no give face. High class ah?" and all the more you should not down the drink because of his bad england and to retaliate, you should give an eye for an eye and repeat the same statement "Wah lau! We friend friend you also no give face. I girl you guy leh!" stroke his manly ego (ego only girls!) and make him drunk instead.

But of course, if you are a girl hoping to get that cute guy into your arms.

1. Be his Pillar of Strength
When he sways against you, grab the chance! Hold him and pull him against you. Mutter "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses yearning to be free, send these to me, your tempest tossed, I lift your head and put it before my golden pillows" gently while letting him rest his heavy head on your golden pillows. He will feel a wave of peace overwhelm him and sleep soundly and wake up the next morning to discover that all his friends have seen him eating your toufu. Be modest and say you saw how soundly he was sleeping and did not have the heart to wake him up and he will feel a slight liking for you for being so patient, sweet and kind. Plus an intense desire to cuddle the golden pillows.

2. Pretend to be as drunk as he is
When he starts showing that sign of drunkeness, faster down that pint of beer and pretend to be swaying a little. Birds of the same feather unite. Deliberately stand beside him and sway. Ask him questions like "You are drunjfk? So am i!" If he says he is not drunk then say "Yah, you are not drunkfj. I am also not drunkdjk! Let's take care of each other!" Both of you can then start to sway towards each other and chances are that when your friends see how happy both of you are talking to each other, they will leave both of you to take care of each other.

3. Show the Mother
Offer to send him home. Since you sent him home, it's likely to be in the middle of the night then nobody would see you. Send him to his room. Force him to puke on your clothes then giggle as you run through his wardrobe to pick out one of his large shirts for yourself. The next morning you should be pretending to sleep as he awakes and sees you with his shirt. The shirt should be unbuttoned as low as your modesty allows but still covering the essentials. The shirt should also reach your thighs provocatively thus inciting his morning glory lust. Then slowly rub your eyes, wake up and say that you were too tired and since he puked on your clothes, you have no choice but to take one of his to wear. Then protest valiantly saying he had been a perfect gentleman and both of you did nothing at all. He may start to feel a little perverted for unleashing his morning glory thoughts unto you and his morning glory will cause his inability to think properly. All he could think of at that moment is to think how horny he is and how delicious you look in hisshirt. Also walk out of his room in that shirt (button up a little now!) and bump into his mom. Protest again that you did nothing with his son but also help with all the housework like washing the cups and asking his mom to take a rest and chit chat with her. His mother would then be successfully bidded in your advantage!

Disclaimer: Suggestions above are tried at the discretion of the individual. The author does not bear responsibility for any backfire nor inability to get the male in the ultimate end.

Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake

2005-06-16T02:16:00.000+08:00

I woke up to a surreal Wednesday.

Firstly because there was a sense of uncertainty followed by relief and regret over a certain incident that took place in the late of last night. And because i felt that i had issued an ultimatum and it was accepted without further questioning and ado.

And so it is.

My heart had not received peace for the past 2 days and my mood was fluctuating wildly. As if something celestial heard my silent plea to find my soul, i received an email with the following quote:

"Without music, life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Nietzsche

And a stranger whom i've been messaging with for about a week or two left me a link to his present for me.

I teared, torn between joy and something unexplainable. And joy attained is not because i got a free present.

But because someone bothers to try to uplift my soul with a method he thinks is effective, the gift of something which would fill my lonely nights, bring me joy and make my life meaningful with the pure sound of music. And he believes with conviction that life will never be a mistake, as long as there is music.

And i teared more.

Then i was struck by fleeting images of how i have led my life in vain, the mistakes i had made, too numerous to count and slowly, i let my tears ebb to a trickle.

My heart felt full after that. Full of gratitude, full of awe, full of determination and full of warmth. You know, i used to believe in the world of fairy godmothers, those who will change Cinderella's ash-streakened rags into a splendid ballgown and her pumpkin into a handsome coach. Then as i grew older, the tale about fairy godmothers dimmed and gradually snuffed out. Today, it was almost as if fairy godmother appeared right before me, just to show me that i should never give up hope when i despair and there is magic if we believe in it.

S, believe it. You made me want to be better more than i had ever wanted to since a long long time ago.

And i promise i will never lead a life without music.

More Than Words

2005-06-14T02:31:00.000+08:00

A spat of events have worried me of late, which is very seldom.

People have commented that i am almost like this big, fat, placid hen sitting heavily on her eggs, feathers unruffled. But yet this time, my feathers have been displaced.

Words.

The translatory point of emotions are put across by a salad of letters to form the above called "Words".

1. What are words worth?
The era spotting the evolution of words: It is worth everything, because we meant it.
Now: Question Mark?

2. What are words for?
The era spotting the evolution of words: It is for conveyance of feelings, thoughts to another party.
Now: Question Mark?

3. What do words mean?
The era spotting the evolution of words: Truth
Now: Question Mark?

In our age and time, have we really desecrated words to become what Michel Foucault and Jacques Derrida envisioned?

This post is open-ended because i am clueless. If you have an idea of the 3 questions above, pray share.

Cloth-Covered Good, Nude Bad

2005-06-12T06:01:00.000+08:00

I felt sorry for Sarong Party Girl when i heard ST posted a non too flattering article of SPG in reference to her nude pictures.

I was originally quite angsty about the whole issue because i felt a bigger mountain out of the molehill never made. Even my trusty gossip newspapers, Lianhe Wanbao is involved in the league. While magazines like Maxim and FHM have their media darlings, artistes and models dressed to a minimal (think Jamie Yeo in skimpy bikinis and Michelle Chia with an arm over her breasts), leaving almost no room for imagination are still out there in publication, SPG who posted up a few rather nicely-taken nude shots (in my humble opinion) rakes up more dirt than any of the above.

Much as i appreciate the many interesting blog reads Tomorrow.sg provided me and the few nominations i've received and made into "funny blog" category by kind-hearted souls, i still think it also unfortunately opened up room for undesirable media exposure and controversy.

Because Tomorrow.sg generates somewhat faster news than our local newspapers.

Because Tomorrow.sg seeks to promote interesting blog articles for public consumption, perhaps to warrant credit to bloggers when it is due (like a praise for a job well-done).

The above reasons will suffice, explaining why journalists now search Tomorrow.sg like a vulture in a scavenger hunt for fodder material articles, roping it in as an unwitting accomplice to aid a mission, especially scandal-like events which the public will consume with much gusto and left unsatiated. We all like a good old scandal, don't we? Think Bill Clinton and the spot on Monica Lewinsky's dress. Think Beckham and Rebecca Loos. We are all intrigued with the idea of unconventionalism, mystery, sex, violence and ... occasionally a few good deeds to do a mild balance. We are all secret voyeurs at heart, aren't we? I definitely am.

But now sadly, some readers perhaps like you, perhaps like me, are also quick to ostracize certain people who aired their linen in their own blog calling them unimaginable names due to a certain influx of new visitors who rode the bandwidth from Tomorrow.sg even though the contributor did specifically mention not to witchhunt the author of the blog entry. But people, being people. You know.

Think Annabel Chong, the first Singapore-born porn star to set a precedent in this country. How she made into the news for ages and now she is almost a legacy. Some applauded her courage, some rendered her a disgrace. How about saying she at least put Singapore on the world of pornography infamously just like how some asked for a little appreciation for putting Singapore on the world blogosphere?

"Cloth-covered good, nude bad." akin to George Orwell's "Four legs good, two legs bad."

Big brother is watching closely.

[This article is in no way censorious of the efforts made by Tomorrow.sg editors and contributors but a genuine two cents' worth of thought.]

A Twitty Behaviour

2005-06-10T05:26:00.000+08:00

I know that i am either suffering from lack of sleep or too much alcohol or getting psycho day by day when:

1. I giggle excessively. I giggled when i boarded the MRT. I giggled when i got off the cab. I giggled to my next-table colleague when she had eye contact with me. I giggled at ... nothing.

2. Sandra stopped outside a coffeeshop to exclaim how cute this golden dog was and i came up to her and said "Oh, that's Jane" before walking away as if i was the dog's friend and as if it is the most natural thing on earth, leaving her stunned for a moment behind.

See Sandra, i not lying, i have a picture of her even.

3. I went to the toilet to do that thing you do and was staring fixedly at these 2 ants on the wall with a murderous intention of launching a wave of tsunami attack using a spray hose until i saw Ant 1 crawling up to Ant 2 and both started rubbing their little noses together. My heart softened and i thought "What a sweet little couple" and proceeded to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Ant 2: *Rubs nose* Hi darling, how is the food search today?
Ant 1: *Rubs nose* Not very good Ann, where are the children?
Ant 2: *Rubs nose* I left them in that very tiny crevice. They would be glad to see their daddy coming home *links one of her six legs to one of his six legs*
Ant 1: *Rubs nose* Well, not much food i'm afraid but i have a little present for you and the children.
Ant 2: *Rubs nose excitedly* Oooh you darling! They will be so happy! What is it?
Ant 1: *Rubs nose lovingly* I collected enough soapsuds from her shower *Ant 1 points another one of his six legs at me* to have a foam party together!
Ant 2: *Rubs nose lovingly* What a sweet ant i have for a husband... Let's hurry back to the children then.

*scurries away*

And my heart melted and let them off.

Retro Mom

2005-06-09T16:02:00.000+08:00

Everybody!

My well-loved funny, new age mother! When she was young.

Now you can put a face to her stories too. :)

Post Mambo Effect

2005-06-09T04:42:00.000+08:00

We lived that moment in music and drinks.

Despite the people around us.

We revelled in that moment but because of the people with us.

Lives of everybody left unsaid, because we have already been living with each other's tales everyday.

The people whom i've met and became friends, the people who used to be strangers and not forgetting the person whom i've not seen for a while because he was forever busy all congregated today into the crowded room of Zouk around a single circular table.

...

For those who were expecting stories on how hot finickyfeline, sassyjan, scarlett ting, miryclay, joel, vamptress are, (i didn't mention sandralicious because everyone already knows she is damn hot!) or how gentlemanly and nice tripleperiod, jordan, airhole, mandrake, ruok, tetanus, sonic are can think twice again. This is going to be an utterly confidential post with regards to their offline nature and more of ... a rhetorical question which i believed i found an answer.

And because i still retain my Blogger's Honour okay!

The good old "Why do chickens cross the road?" kind of question for bloggers would be "Why do you blog?"

Of course putting aside my self-loving nature (i just love talking about myself sometimes), how i need an occasional mental diarrhoea, today i found an answer as i gazed into everyone's face and mentally reconciling them with the preconceived notions i had of them, how accurate or inaccurate i had been.

Now, i muse in the middle of the dead night about how much i actually know about bloggers, people who have delegated part of their lives to a virtual realm so that i may voyeur silently or .. sometimes expressively via comments, forum, email and messaging. I dare say that as One Little Twit on blogspot, without a full frontal face to her name here, a known entity to some and an unknown, nameless number on others' statistic counters, i feel safe, i feel myself.

I read about some people's lives and know more about them on everyday basis than most of their friends. I know what he/she is thinking at that moment in time, how cheesed off he may be with his backstabbing colleague, how happy she is with her new boyfriend, how worried she is for her dog, how crazy he is over this girl but he does not dare to tell her and as a blog reader, i feel like a good friend, a trusted personnel.

And i'm allowed to be frank.

I'm allowed to have opinions to dish out ideas and suggestions appropriately. In other words, i'm allowed a proper voice for once without being pretentious. This is not to say i do not practise pretense in real life, i still try not to but there will be times whereby you just have to pay lip service in view of the circumstances like ... your boss asking you if his new shirt looks good on him in front of all the clients and you do not commit a verbal faux pas by saying he looks like a gay in that (I would still refuse to look at him in the eye and say he looks fantastic and it suits him to boot but i would tone it down by saying he looks okay. My conscience would not allow the former.)

But most of all, the experience gained in meeting new people on different occasions each time is enriching. So many surprises, so many words and so many instant connections.

The moment you found somebody or somebodies even whom you can start chatting and sharing with ceaselessly, it's better than sex. It's prolonged orgasm(s). And i'll say it's a very apt term.

The smile had been on all night long on my face. Mandrake noticed it and asked me. But i didn't tell him then.

I didn't tell him that i am glad to have found some of you.

Ah Lian Ki Mambo Ah!

2005-06-08T10:36:00.000+08:00

Mambo tonight, on boh?

You on, i see you there.

Wanna come and announce your presence, email me.

disclaimer:
If you want to come in the hope of jio-ing chiobu, i tell you.... forgeddit!!

How To Sound Like A Deplorable Female Protagonist

2005-06-07T17:52:00.000+08:00

Actually i could not have done it better than Serene Luo, the journalist who kindly published my blog link to the rest of the free world. [link here]

ONE Little Twit is the archetypal 20-something.

She pub-crawls and she's looking for a better job.

She's old enough to have a bit of the traditional Chinese way about her. She lives with her parents and believes in fortune-telling but is young enough to be open to online matchmakers.

She dishes out thoughts on her New Age mother who nagged her on why she wasn't having sex, and the sleazeballs who call her customer service hotline, and poignantly reminisces about the Ah Beng with the centre parting she had the biggest crush on in primary school.

The 24-year-old, who works in customer service, has the right mix of eloquence, humour and dry wit.

She doesn't resort to slapstick tactics or cliches to keep her readers coming back for more.

Must-read post:
In her post, Picking Up & Get Picked Up, Twit pulls a fast one on two pesky men in a bar by having her friends pretend to be transvestites.

Defining quote:
If you've eyed that stressed or health-conscious colleague for ages, writes Twit, do this:
'Tell him that kissing is a good form of therapy and a passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories a minute. This compares to 11.2 calories per minute you burn jogging on a treadmill.'

Warning label:
Twit is looking for a sexy husband, on the advice of her trusty fortune teller. Readers who are tall and have dimples and long eyelashes may apply.

I giggled at this article, especially at the end. What's better than advertising for a long-lashed, dimply and sexy husband on the National Papers? However as i re-read the article, i kept noticing the similarity between my story above and the synopsis of other erm girlie novels that i read like .. Sophie Kinsella and Wendy Holden.

Suddenly, i feel like a female protagonist, one who starts out everything going wrong for her, well almost everything and then gradually smoothens life out little by little through a series of disaster.

You know what i mean, dont you?

Something like ...

ONE Little Twit is the archetypal 20-something, living in the land of the busybees, Singapore.

Fizzy hair and a total snack addict aside, she pub-crawls and she's constantly looking for a better job. She reads a lot of horoscopes from different female-targeted magazines with the likes of Female, Her World and Cleo and chooses the one she likes best for the month.

She writes out exercise regimes regularly but never follows them anyway.

She likes wearing white shirts but could never trust herself not to spill any sauce even when she tries to be very careful. Still the curry sauce drips onto her pristine blouse and the spagetti noodles slid from her chopsticks and splashes the sauce onto her. She ends up looking like a very dirty girl with outsiders laughing at her, asking if she meant to keep those spots of curry on her shirt for supper.

She's old enough to have a bit of the traditional Chinese way about her. She lives with her parents and believes in fortune-telling but is young enough to be open to online matchmakers.

She raves about Paris Hilton and is secretly delighted to see her impaled onto the great big stick in House of Wax.

She dishes out thoughts on her New Age mother who nagged her on why she wasn't having sex and who constantly imagines her as a lesbian. She rants online about the sleazeballs who call her customer service hotline, and poignantly reminisces about the Ah Beng with the centre parting she had the biggest crush on in primary school.

She goes on IRC dates, hoping to find one true love, except it turned out to be a series of horror stories with others declaring that they never had experiences quite like her.

Even though her life seems to be a meagerie of disasters, will she prevail and find her one true long-lashed, dimply and sexy love in the end thus fulfilling the trusty fortune teller's advice? Or will the mystery man from Venice decide to come Singapore to claim her heart to beat with his own once more?

Have you noticed how ... loser-ish i sound?

*freaks out*

Yes now i really sound like the typical fizzy-unattractive-female-who-always-have-everything-going-wrong-and-falling-for-this-hunk-and-think-there-is-no-chance-yet-by-some-very-strange-twist-of-fate-snag-the-man-in-the-end.

Hey, if it is really so, i don't really mind you know.

Now compare my above self-created sypnosis above to the famous books below:

1. Sophie Kinsella's "Can You Keep A Secret?"
Things are suddenly starting to look up for the hapless but optimistic Emma Corrigan. She has kept her job at Panther Cola for nearly a year, has the perfect boyfriend and hopes for a promotion to marketing executive should her first opportunity to strut her stuff and land a business deal be successful. Unfortunately, things don't go quite as planned, and on her unusually turbulent return flight from a disappointing client meeting, in a terrified state, she confesses her innermost secrets to the good-looking stranger sitting beside her.

When she shows up at work the next morning, she is horrified to discover that her mystery man is none other than the revered and brilliant Jack Harper, American CEO of Panther Cola, on a weeklong visit to the company's U.K. branch. Thus begins a series of chaotic, emotionally exhausting and funny episodes that thrust Emma, with her workaholic best friend, Lissy, and their awful flatmate Jemima, into a world of fairy tales, secrets and deceit.

2. Sophie Kinsella's "Confessions of a Shopaholic"
At age 25, Rebecca Bloomwood has everything she wants. Or does she? Can her career as a financial journalist, a fab flat and a closet full of designer clothes lessen the blow of the dunning letters from credit card companies and banks that have been arriving too quickly to be contained by the drawer in which Rebecca hides them? Although her romantic entanglements tend toward the superficial, there is that wonderful Luke Brandon of Brandon Communications: handsome, intelligent, the 31st-richest bachelor according to Harper's and actually possessed of a personality that is more substance than style. Too bad that Rebecca blows it whenever their paths cross. Will Rebecca learn to stop shopping before she loses everything worthwhile? When faced with the opportunity to do good for others and impress Luke, will she finally measure up?

3. Helen Fielding's "Bridget Jones' Diary"
It's the purported diary, complete with daily entries of calories consumed, cigarettes smoked, "alcohol units" imbibed and other unsuitable obsessions, of a year in the life of a bright London 30-something who deplores male "fuckwittage" while pining for a steady boyfriend. As dogged at making resolutions for self-improvement as she is irrepressibly irreverent, Bridget also would like to have someone to show the folks back home and their friends, who make "tick-tock" noises at her to evoke the motion of the biological clock. Bridget is knowing, obviously attractive but never too convinced of the fact, and prone ever to fear the worst. In the case of her mother, who becomes involved with a shady Portuguese real estate operator and is about to be arrested for fraud, she's probably quite right. In the case of her boss, Daniel, who sends sexy e-mail messages but really plans to marry someone else, she's a tad blind. And in the case of glamorous lawyer Mark Darcy, whom her parents want her to marry, she turns out to be way off the mark.

And it struck me something that i've read in the editorial review of Bridget Jones' Diary.

"She is the Nancy Mitford of the 1990s, and it's impossible not to root for her endearing heroine. On the other hand, one can only hope that Bridget will continue to screw up and tell us all about it for years and books to come. --Kerry Fried"

Surely, my readers would not be so heartless as to wish that i will screw up by having more cacti dying, more sex education by my mother and more horror dates just so that they would have more fodder to read. Would you? *suspicious look*

Date Him If You Dare

2005-06-06T01:49:00.000+08:00

One Little Twit took the MRT and was shaking and swaying to the motions of the transport, staring blankly out of the window till one particular stop, a pot-bellied man and an *ah-tiong woman came in.

Pot-Bellied Man and Ah-Tiong Woman stood behind One Little Twit (their misfortune really since she is now blogging parts of their conversation down for the world to see). Initially One Little Twit was minding her own business till she heard the irritating Clak-Clak-Clak of high-heeled shoes. Ah-Tiong Woman was doing salsa dance steps behind One Little Twit and One Little Twit turned in time just to see her sway her butt left right, left right left in front of all the passengers. Pot-Bellied Man laughed and said in mandarin "You and your dancing!" and Ah-Tiong Woman coquettishly gushed how she loved dancing and how it kept her in shape blah-blah-blah. Then she asked Pot-Bellied Man what he does for a living (presumably to check out his financial status before ingratiating herself on him i suppose). And One Little Twit has to quell her laughter when she overheard Pot-Bellied Man describing himself as a "professional" in an "innovative line" which few people have ventured. Pot-Bellied Man went on to describe that he is a "professional" at selling urns (to contain ashes of the dead) and he "specializes" in funeral services. He even mentioned helpfully (while eyeing Ah-Tiong Woman flirtily) that he would be willing to expand his business into China if he needs to. All One Little Twit could do was to bite her lips hard when she caught the expression of Ah-Tiong Woman. The expression of incredulity and sudden apprehension is priceless! One Little Twit wondered if this is their first date and if Ah-Tiong Woman considered it a bad date.

Speaking of dates.

You know ...

One Little Twit had gone on a lot of dates, especially when she was young and when she was still lurking in IRC. Occasionally, she'll find someone interesting to talk to. Unfortunately, amongst the dates she had been to, there were very few good dates but a lot of dates from hell. Specially selected are some of the better ones. All the below horror stories are true and not fabricated.

The Braggart Mixed

already

under-mixed

my dear indian stallion

lah

also

how

The Horny Bastard

Equinox

Altivo

man

okay

real

or notttt

The Deluded *Dua-Kang Geek

at first

Pennsylvania House

i could not figure out the answer to that too

knew

detect the passion

burning for him

*Buay Paiseh

The Kiam-Siap Gui

mama shop

help

ten dollar

translation fee

lah

lor

pay half

deceiving

compared

ice

value for money

So you see. Date people must date carefully. Do not be like me.

*ah-tiong: phrase derived from a friend who calls people from china "tiong-kok-lang" meaning "people from china" in Hokkien.
*dua-kang: boastful
*buay paiseh: not embarrassed

Bland Reaction

2005-06-04T02:34:00.000+08:00

In about a month from now, she would be on her 24 hour plane ride to Canada.

The news was delivered to her at 10 am in the morning and she expected pure joy and sheer delight at the future prospects but instead, she smiled, called up a few good friends to share the news and as if the news was too much to handle, ended up sleeping on a cab on the way to town and later on the mrt on the way back.

And she decreed she shall start her life afresh.

So much things to prepare and so much things to leave behind.
....
She looked forward to a swim in her reversible polka-dotted swimsuit. It has been a good 3 years since she last ~~played with water~~ swam and tomorrow she would dunk herself into the water, enjoy the warmer bit of sun and perhaps bring a rubber ducky to enjoy with her.
....

Because

2005-06-02T02:27:00.000+08:00

I didn't blog these 3 days because i am anxiously awaiting news of the interview till i am suffering from hyperventilation everytime the bloody mobile rings.

And my mother keeps watering the three beloved cactus plants i bought from a pasar malam. Each cactus plant has a 'coloured' cactus attached to it. Cactus One has an orange attachment. Cactus Two has a red attachment. Cactus Three has a yellow attachment.

She'll water Little Orange, Little Red and Little Yellow day in and day out despite my telling her that these are desert plants and can survive very well without much water. But still she insisted that the weather has been atrociously hot recently and they need more water else they will feel thirsty.

One day i happened to look at darling Little Orange, Little Red and Little Yellow. They looked malleable. I gently squeezed each one of them to encourage them to grow well and to my dismay and horror, each one is squishy and i can mold them to any shape i want because they are now water-retentive. Little Yellow collapsed from sheer pressure.

My mother cared for my cactus too much that she fucking killed it.

Boo Hoo.

I Worship Vapid Blondes!

2005-05-28T10:18:00.000+08:00

You know, people have monsters under their beds.

Me, i have secrets in my closet.

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Wahahah. I am a closet Paris Hilton fan. I have always been mildly attracted to the ditzy-looking species, with the fluff and the fur and they must be blonde. Why would they need to be blonde, you ask. Because they do not complete the look if they are not blonde! You have white mink on your shoulders with large sunglasses that cover half your face and you are a brunette. You have pink mink on your shoulders with large sunglasses and you are blonde. The effect is different.

Look at me, im so sassy! Look at me, im so .. blonde!

And so the first ever ditzyness i saw in a movie and fell in love with is .. Alicia Silverstone in Clueless!

Look at that pure vapid expression on Alicia's face! *worships*

Alicia Silverstone was so cool as Cher Howitz okayyy!

She had this kind of pen that makes her look even prettier when she puts it against her face.

She even had cool quotes to support her role. "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

Anyway, now back to our heiress, Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton must have played too much barbie in the past. She looks very much like one. She has this "come hither" (to be crude, i mean cfm = come fuck me) look on her face. The narrowed eyes, the slight tilt of her mouth that is a cross between smile and smirk and that long long long blonde hair!

She has surprisingly funny quotes that cracked me up:
"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything."
"Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?"
"I went to Wal-Mart for the first time. I always thought they sold wallpaper. I didn’t realize it has everything. You can get anything you want there for really, really cheap."
"I'm so smart now. Everyone is always like, 'Take your top off.' Sorry, no! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."
"I'll phone up and say, 'Hi it's Paris Hilton,' and they'll say, 'Yes this is the Paris Hilton.' So I'm like, 'Yes, I know, I'm Paris Hilton.' It can go on for hours like some bad comedy film." [problems with booking into the French Hotel]
"[Kabbalah] helps you confront your fears. Like if a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her." [on the 'hip' religion Kabbalah]

Some Interesting Facts about Miss Heiress-Paris-Hilton:

Someone did a behavioural analysis on her.

The pictures she took of herself in her hacked sidekick device.

She has a credit card at the age of nine.

The analysis of Paris Hilton's hair and how to achieve it.

A hijacked call from Lindsay Lohan to Paris Hilton?

She decided to trademark the phrase "That's hot" because she has been saying it forever.

If Paris Hilton wrote poetry....

Paris' Hilton's Vagina can talk!

So can her dog, Tinkerbell Hilton...

She is actually quite a good laugh and a blatant liar. Plus i think she looks really good in the GUESSS? advertisements.

Paris Hilton in MTVs and House of Wax.

Spicy

2005-05-28T03:40:00.000+08:00

What a way to eat a burger!

But the burger looks really quite good hor?

I Join The Hideout-Wagon

2005-05-27T14:51:00.000+08:00

Actually.

I don't want to mention it.

Because i knew everybody would you see. I am right afterall.

But i am so happy to meet all yesterday that all my resolutions were overruled.

For those who were there and would like to view the pictures, drop me a comment and your email and i will send the link over to you. Am so happy to find so many people drinking (i love drinking buddies!). I love you guys!

Yeah and there is this "Blogger's Honour" thing [term originally coined by tetanus] Respect our anonymity. Pictures are not for PUBLIC consumption!

Miscellany & The Interview (Again)!

2005-05-26T12:20:00.000+08:00

Just went for the second round of interview and i hope i get good news but what's over do not warrant much coverage. Take things easy as it go!

I am perplexed and amazed by some things.

I found out that one of my incoming links came from chee bye.

I found out someone apparently bought my blogshares and he owns 80% of me!

Then i saw that gabrielle's boyfriend happened to be an ex-secondary schoolmate. And it bought back some amusement thinking back of the past.

...
The Official Interview Game Rules by Stoned.Nerd

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions — each person’s will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Interviewer: Miss Wonkytong

1.If you could choose to be a TCS celebrity, who would it be? Why?
Why? Why why why do you choose TCS out of all places? I have so little scope to choose from! I would have chosen Zoe Tay. She is my favourite actress because she is simple and unassuming. But because she is now a mother and i have no maternal instincts arising at this point in time, i decided to choose Fiona Xie. Why? Because she has a good body and a pleasant face. Because she is THE BODY and nothing else. Being deprived of THE BODY that i wanted for so long, i guess she would best fulfill my requirements to have a hot body!

2.Would you consider an offer to pose nude for PlayBoy? Why?
Oh yeah, why not? If i am offered to be posed on PlayBoy, it meant i have achieved THE BODY and i would be proud of it. I seriously believe "You are young only once. Not now then when?" Would it be when i am old and saggy and then i decide "Hey! I want to celebrate my ageing?" Not for me. I think i want to keep a copy well-preserved and show my grandchildren, just look at your HOT grandmama then!

3.If XiaXue were to hire you to write for her blog, paying you market rate, would you consider? Why? What would you write?
Anna, you just have to ask me about her, dont you?! Yes, if she would. I may not be as ~~bitchy~~, ~~narcissistic~~ interesting as her but i believe a great deal of youngsters visit her and envy her seemingly glamorous life of just writing, endorsement deals, visiting KM8, dissing people who snatch cabs and actually (alarmingly) aspire to be her! We dont want too many Xiaxues and clones lingering around, do we? We want Xiaxue to be one and only original. However unaware of her mass public influence, she is also sadly not as sensitive as i would love her to be. I think i could do some good and instill some sense of sensitivity and tact behind. But then again, who wants to read sensitive and tactful posts? Everybody loves a gossip. Perhaps I should write about World Peace and everyone would clap. Remember. You can never go wrong with World Peace.

4.Do you feel that plastic surgery is the way to enhance one's beauty? Why?
Sure if they actually enhance it instead of being obsessed by it and desecrate a perfectly acceptable face. I accept that people want to look good and will go via all means to look even better and it is fine. It's a realistic world out there, we enjoy looking at babes and hunks, dont we? We cannot blame people for wanting to adhere to the standards we superimpose but .. there should be a moderation to everything. [check this out]

5.What is the sexiest thing you have done in your life?
To love unconditionally and expect nothing in return and actually able to be happy for the person no matter what course of route he decides to take hence forth. It's definitely sexy. All guys love such an unclingy woman.

Enough Already Hor! Stop Xiaxue-ism!

2005-05-25T03:01:00.000+08:00

Have you ever eaten one thing that you like to eat for a period of time and you consume more and more of it till it totally engulfs you and then suddenly you do not like it anymore because there is an overdose. If you have, you may proceed below for more.

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Writing this post, i am afraid, i will risk the wrath of all 8000 she-who-shall-not-be-named blogders who could be ardent fans and supporters.

But i still have to brace myself and ask this question.

Enough already or not?!

I am now starting to ostracize Straits Times, The New Paper, Channel News Asia, Lianhe Zaobao, Maxim, Localbrand, Today (Online or Offline) for instilling so much fear in me that one more time i'm going to see her face appearing on the papers or the media or her voice over the air, i will start to cow-pay-cow-bu to all my close friends and colleagues whom i do not think is deserving of such injustice.

But still, the first time seeing her on the papers is fun, second time seeing her on the papers is fun, third time seeing her on the papers is not so fun, fourth time seeing her on the papers is not not so fun, fifth time seeing her on the papers is not fun, sixth time seeing her in the papers is stale.

You know, i do not buy or read newspaper on a regular basis at all. I buy them on an approximate basis of once a month or maybe a little more or a little less depending on the mood. And i cringed when a final last attempt for me to salvage any hope for our local media took a devastating blow when i flipped one of the local papers a few days ago to see she-who-shall-not-be-named being interviewed because she has 2 handphones and how she saves money by having 2 separate lines and 2 separate phones. Perhaps that is a good article because you are teaching others how to be prudent but for me, my only thought was "Why her again?" Hundreds and hundreds of people using 2 handphones and 2 lines and still she was The Chosen One. As if it is not bad enough to read about her everywhere in every form of media plausible to me (except Xinmin and Wanbao which i'm glad have not been infiltrated, at least not that i've seen so far). But i cast a look at the name of the columnist for that article and tsk-ed unappreciatively. I am sorry, Edwin Yeo, i couldn't help it. The 播客小天后's claw reaches far and wide.

Life as a 播客小天后 is not easy. Give her a break since she has done the 3 new TV interviews, 2 new cover pages of dailies and many small small articles and is unmotivated and fucking lazy to update her media page and apart from that, she has to deal with rude sales auntie for her Maxim article. She has a hard time juggling so much media exposure, okayyyy.

Give my eyes a rest too and give me some somewhat new faces please. These are the list of people i would like to see on television or on newspaper but instead of talking about blogging again and their experience of blogging again and how blogging satisfies them again which we can do in the coming Singapore Bloggers Convention in July, i think they should expound on some of their passions or whats-not instead. Anything except blogging please!

The Calm One
for his refreshing insight and of course that elusive Jay Chou's looks. I think he should be totally suited for an Open House advertisement for NP.

Mr Brown
I know i know he has been over-used but i think he should be very appropriate for a pro-family advertisement and be interviewed for his take on how children enhances the quality of life instead of the fugging blog blog blog all the time. I never cease to admire his devotion to Faith and Isaac and of course, his wife.

apple lim
her frank, self-confessed narcissism. And she is the ultimate spokesperson for Devil's Bar.

adri
an endorsement for Mac no doubt!

the deceased Grace Chow
whom i have utmost respect for her zest for life and her optimistic attitude till her untimely demise but instead of picking up her kind of attitude to publish and inspire millions out there, what do we get? We get someone to talk about the joy of blogging and how blogging leads to a t-shirt endorsement. Duh.

Ah Lim
The "Unless You Lim Buey Tor, Or Else Don't Drive" advertisement.

LaughingCow
her obvious devotion to her pet makes her a very good advocator for SPCA! (Somehow i can imagine her hugging Rocky and caption below: Love your pets.)

Oh yeah and tripleperiod thinks he should endorse sanitary pads for the obvious reason. (Review his blog address. Tripleperiod. Wow. Imagine caption: Let heavy nights not be a worry to you anymore with the new sanitary pads. Come triple your period also no problem!)

Please please please if she-who-shall-not-be-named has to appear somewhere, at least let me take a break, laugh at Kennysia a little longer and get over my numb sensory organs from seeing her.

But i think i would love to read about her once every 10 years, just to find out how she is doing. She has been such a part of our lives.

The Customers

2005-05-24T11:33:00.000+08:00

Hearing Ci'en: Wurh.com talk about her customer service experience makes me realize i have a lot of incidents to share with all. It is unbelievable that there are such ~~rude~~, ~~horny~~, ~~silly~~ people around.

You know, i work in a technical support environment and everyday at work, you hear me droning about configuration, configuration and more configuration. There are all kinds of different customers. Of course there are the smart and savvy kind but there are also the slow but patient kind, there are the ~~stupid~~ slow but- think-they-are-savvy kind, the yell-alot kind, the sleazy kind, the "dua-kang" kind and other mix and match varieties of customers.

Let me tell you the real life experiences by me, the one little twit during her course of work.

Slow But Patient (SBP)

Phone goes ring! ring ring! and One Little Twit (OLT) picks up the phone and gave her mastered tone of civility (even though when sometimes she's actually dropping off to sleep, she managed to sound chirpy and awake.)

Scene 1
Customer 1: Harlow? Is this XX company? I have a problem with my computer!
OLT: What kind of problem are you experiencing Madam?
Customer 1: My blah-blah-blah used to work but now cannot work! Why huh?
*gives a string of instruction which Customer 1 followed.
OLT: OK Madam, can you restart your computer?
Customer 1: Restart? How to restart huh?
OLT: Go to 'Start' on the bottom right hand side of the screen and select 'Shut Down' then 'Restart'.
Customer 1: Cannot find start leh! Really dont have!
OLT: OK, can you look for this button on the CPU, it is the reset button, press and hold on till the screen blanks out.
Customer 1: Cannot find the button also leh! Really dont have!
OLT: (gradually reaching maximum tolerance capacity) OK, if that is the case, can you just switch off the power then?
Customer 1: Huh?! Computer needs power meh?
OLT: ...

Scene 2
Customer 2: My computer huh, like hang like that... i cannot click anything.
OLT: OK, now you try to move your mouse on the desktop, can you see it moving?
Customer 2: Cannot leh! Cannot move one.
OLT: Cannot even place your mouse on the icon at all?
Customer 2: Can! Can place on the icon but i click click click nothing happening.
OLT: OK, you can place the cursor on the icon but you cannot click? Is there something wrong with your mouse?
Customer 2: Correct ah. I take up the mouse and put on my computer screen where the desktop is then i move move click click nothing happens ...
*OLT thinks deeply, understood her meaning and went speechless*

Scene 3
OLT: Can you close all the application windows that you see please?
Customer 3: You wait ah.
*customer disappears for a good 5 minutes while OLT waits impatiently. Customer finally comes back, sounding a little breathless.
OLT: Have you closed all your application windows already?
Customer 3: Yes Yes Yes! I went around the house closing all my windows why need to close the windows, a bit hot leh!
OLT: ...

The Miss Scream-Alot

OLT: Good morning this is XX, how may i assist you?
Customer 4: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! *scream scream scream, scream scream scream inaudibly* Starts sobbing uncontrollably and hangs up. Scenario repeats another 4 times.

Anyway when Miss Scream-Alot was finally able to stop sobbing and relate her story, she started a whole story about because her modem was damaged and she did not know how to install the new modem drivers so she paid a man $200 to come fix her computer. Not only did the guy not fix it properly, he almost raped her. So one kind supervisor of mine took pity on her (and he was the only one) and decided to fix an appointment to go down to do a courtesy call for her. In the end, he sent another representative instead as he was busy, i heard Miss Scream-Alot was dressed up in a sexy, nude lingerie with hot pants waiting for his arrival. Perhaps i should list her under the 'Sleazy' category as well.

The Politcally Inclined

*conversation has already ran for 30 minutes prior below conversation.
Customer 5: I tell you ah, i am not kidding you, the gah-men sent people to follow me everyday and i am harassed by the Internal Security Department. I am seen as a threat by the authorities since i regularly meet up with local opposition leaders to give them political advice. Gah-men sent people to my house to steal my one dollar coins and they also took away my photos ah! And you know why they take away my photos? They want to do "gong-tao" on me!
OLT: ...

I managed to track down Mr Politically Inclined and how he looked like via Google. In fact i forgot about him till recently, i read in CNA that he went around the MRT pasting flyers for a wife! In his 'advertisement', he wants his wife to be between 21 to 40 (Mr Politically Inclined is 54 year old.) so that she can still bear children and she must also be financially independent so that in case anything happens to him, she will be able to take care of the children. The last i heard, 10 women responded to his advertisement .....

The Dua-Kang

Customer 6: Don't tell me what to do with my Nokia phone! Your network sure got problem one! I've been collecting Nokia Phones since they first came out years ago. I display all of them in a glass cabinet so i very familiar with Nokia okay. I got every single one ah, cost me a lot of money blah blah blah ...

The Sleazeballs aka Hum-Sap Kias

Scene 1
*Colleague waits to transfer a call to me. A Mr XX is looking for me.
OLT: Hello, this is YY speaking, how can i assist you again, Mr XX?
Customer 7: Aawwwwww YY ... Awwwwwww *incessant moaning*
*OLT paused in shock*
OLT: What's your name, what's your IC number?!?!?!
Customer 7 hung up immediately after.

Scene 2
Customer 8: While we are waiting for the device to restart, can i ask you some questions?
OLT: (prepares herself for grilling session) Sure, go ahead Sir.
Customer 8: What are you doing tonight?
OLT: (thunderstruck for a while) Er, i'm going out for dinner.
Customer 8: Have you ever heard of Anthony Bourdain?
OLT: (Anthony Whoooo?) Never.
Customer 8: Don't you watch TV?
OLT: No, im not a couch potato.
Customer 8: Anyway he is a world class chef and i'm having dinner with him tonight.
OLT: Oh, so he is going to cook for you?
Customer 8: Yes i think so and he is going to eat with me too.
OLT: Oh i see. (conjures up homosexual images)
Customer 8: Would you like to come along?
OLT: (thunderstruck) No, i already have an appointment.
Customer 8: How old are you?
OLT: 24 this year. And yourself?
*Customer gives evil cackle and i knew at once he must be an old fug.
Customer 8: How can i contact you privately? (Oh, that Sleazeball)
*Naughty OLT decided to give a coquettish 'Sureee, of courseeeee' at that point in time.
OLT: Give me a call at this number and you can reach me directly if you ask for me. 1800-XXX-XXXX, IVR options X-X-X.
Customer 8: I mean private mobile number.
OLT: Well i cant. It's against the company policy but i assure you that you can definitely contact me at the above number.
Customer 8: (disappointed) Oh.
OLT: Well .. if you really really want ... you could also email me...
Customer 8: *brightens up* OK, give me your email address!
OLT: It's customerservice@[insert-my-companyname].com
Customer 8: ...

Fotographie: I

2005-05-23T16:19:00.000+08:00

A totally lazy Monday afternoon definitely befits a lazy post in commemoration and pictures are the best. A mild summary of what i did last week.

Leading an idyllic life by flipping magazines at The Coffee Bean at Holland Village and sipping Snapple on a Tuesday afternoon.

We went out for a candlelight dinner of Oriental Chicken sandwiches with thick, chunky chicken chop in between toasted foccacia bread.

A pipe as big as such, to hold my used fag stubs.

Hoegaarden, the most revered beer, glides its way effortlessly down my willing throat.

Brought Cookie out for a walk and being the hyperactive dog, he got thirsty really fast and started lapping furiously at the water we brought along.

Such fresh greens. I lifted my face towards the sky and feel the breeze.

I have always loved cotton plants. They sprout their white furry mess and give me the clothes i wear on my back, the pillows i cuddle. Such useful plants.

This is the real kind of playground, with sand, for the real kind of children to climb, to explore. Not the nimby pamby ones who cry when they fall onto the rubber padded playgrounds.

Solitary kite in the sky, soaring upwards to fulfill its own destiny.

The high fortress of Yam, desecrated by many a willing spoon. Fortress stands no more.

Veni, Vidi, Vici.

And all thanks to Cowboy Caleb, i'm now plugged in to all sorts of music shared by the rest of the whole wide world. To repay my debt, try to listen to this:

Maroon 5 - Pure Imagination (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory)
Link available for 7 days and for limited downloads only.

Vulgar Name Calling; Ensure Good Health

2005-05-21T18:04:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: This post contains expletives which may offend some's sensibilities. If you would rather not read, please refrain from scrolling down further.

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One day i was just having a cuppa tea with my ex-secondary school friend, Miss Shu Nu and we started talking fondly of Pipa Quack whom we have not seen for some time. Believe me, now that i think of it, it's embarrassing for 2 young and sophisticated women to be coo-ing so mushily over a hardly crawling 6 month old infant.

*S for Miss Shu Nu
S: I wonder how is he (Pipa Quack) doing now? Would he be able to crawl already?
Me: The last i saw him, he was able to flip around and lie on his tummy like a cockroach on its back but he can't crawl yet. He was watching Miss Exotic Specie playing mahjong mournfully.
S: What? You mean Miss Exotic Specie just left him there and continued playing mahjong with you all?
Me: *hurriedly* No no i assure you she is not heartless! When she was "washing the tiles", she did turn to Pipa Quack's direction and gave him flying kisses!
S: I wonder if he has more hair than the last time i saw him.... if he has grown chubbier and i want to hear him babble just as Miss Exotic Specie said he could!
Me: Awww, i think he should have more hair by now and as for growing chubbier, i don't know. He looks like Michelin boy you know (even worse than this) ... i really don't think we should encourage him to be a mini-size whale so early in life!
S: Haha that's why Miss Exotic Specie calls him "Pui Kia" (fat child in Hokkien).
Me: Haha, you know whenever the mother knows that i am going to meet Pipa Quack, she always warn me not to praise him by saying he looks so healthy, is so chubby and so cute because all these praises are inauspicious! I heard some myth about the 'devil' coming for the child if the child is too cute and desirable.
S: Yeah, my mother too! She says if we comment that a baby is healthy, the baby will fall sick soon and be frail. If we say the baby is fat then the baby will become thin! That's why she always call me and my brothers bad names when we were young. Just so that the 'devil' will find us repulsive and leave us alone!
Me: High Five! My mother found a friend in your mother! So what did your mother call you when you were young? She called me bad names too!
S: She called me "Pua Bi Kia" (Sick child in hokkien) or "Si Lang Kia" (dead person's child in hokkien). What does she call you?
Me: Same same lah! She called me "Yau Siu Kia" (short lived child in hokkien). Why our mothers all so bad one?!
S: It's okay. Maybe that is the reason why we are all healthy and happy as we are now! Just think of a name to call your child in future so that he/she may be healthy and happy like us!
Me: I already know what i want to call my child if it is a daughter. I shall call her "Chee Bye" (vagina in hokkien). There is no other more vulgar name-calling than this and therefore my daughter shall be the happiest and healthiest child! So at home, i shall call "Chee Bye, come here, Chee Bye!" just like how my mother used to shout at me "Yau Siu Kia, come here, Yau Siu Kia!"
S: *speechless and rolls with laughter till tears formed at her eyes*

A Closer Step to Niagara Falls

2005-05-21T03:42:00.001+08:00

The reason for my silence for the past two days had been merely attributed to stress. I was busy preparing for an interview and i think i do want to get this job quite badly because i would get to go to Canada for a 2 months training! I want to get out of Singapore for a short period of time just to have a change in environment and according to reliable sources, i would get to stay in a hotel for the entire period of time, work a four-and-a-half day week and have all kinds of special crappy occasions and it's like getting paid to take a break! Can you imagine two whole months of throwing clothes and things all over the hotel room in the morning and when you return at night ... Tadahhhhh! The room is spick and span and clean for you to create pandemonium in the morning again! Can you imagine going for four-and-a-half days of training and visiting factories and on Fridays, one can clock off at in the afternoon to go beer-a-guzzing? And not to mention they have silly, wonderful, fun days like Doughnut Day, Lollipop Day and goodness-knows-what-else before i come back to my centralized Singapore office to suffer. Sufferance is static but such good fortune is dynamic!

So anyway, i decided to just go and try for the interview. I was on all raging nerves because firstly, i really want to get the job and secondly, it has been four years ever since i attempted any form of interview and according to the horror stories my friends regaled me about spending two entire days for ONE interview and another having to debate her way with all other applicants in the interview for a day appalls me to no end. I know mine is a technical focused interview and i would be required to answer technical questions with my meagre IT knowledge. I spent some time trying to find a decent set of formal wear because since my current company does not mind our working attire, i had spent more money acquisiting funkier outfits (dressing like a 21 year old than a 24 year old so i could look young) and my collection of formal wear is deplorable! I imagine i would love to appear in the never-go-wrong white shirt with a jacket but ...

The White Shirt
Somehow i managed to obtain a stain in the very centre of my .. um ... breast area and it looked unsightly so i had to discard the idea of wearing it while using Vanish O2 on it, hoping to save it.

Jacket 1
It's denim. I can't wear a denim jacket for an interview.

Jacket 2
It's khaki! Oh dear, also too informal.

Jacket 3
*pause* Too funky. It's cream with pictures of birds on it! A definite nono.

My Mango Pink Shirt
Too floral. They would probably find it hard to concentrate on my face and expression and look at the gorgeous prints on this shirt.

Decision: A P.O.A light blue shirt with interesting ruffle details and a good cut. My only salvation.

Pants
Too masculine, made me look fatter.

Skirt 1
Just dont feel like wearing it.

Skirt 2
Too informal.

Skirt 3
Grey with faint red lines running on it, looks quite professional. I'll take it!

Anyway one of the interviewers has a damn gorgeous smile. I melt everytime i look into his eyes. I was advised to look at the bridge of his nose BUT, i cant resist it. His eyes and smile allures me and he was so kind to me. Offering to ask me less questions that he knew might pose some form of difficulty to me. And he tried to put me at ease by getting me to talk about my previous achievements even though i knew usually this was a strictly technical interview.

As i was fagging depressingly by Starbucks after the 30 minutes interview, i decided to go home and sleep to forget my troubles and at 6 pm, while i was still groggily deciding whether to wake up, they called me to inform me that i can proceed to the second round of the interview! I hope i was not hallucinating ... since i had not received the details in the email that the agency told me they would send.

Now i have one problem. I really have no formal outfit!

I am now still fucking elated and in a state of disbelief so ... i think i might just end this entry now and contemplate my good fortune!

Yeah and because i was .. asked to do so:

Total volume of music files on my computer
2.24GB - 863 songs. ? hrs playtime.

The last CD I bought was
Corrinne May - Safe in A Crazy World

Song playing right now
3 Doors Down - Here Without You

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me

Corrinne May - Fly Away
Lamb - Gabriel
Bic Runga - Sway
PM Dawn - Set Adrift on Memory Bliss
Any rendition - Girl From Ipanema

How Do I Start Loving Thee?

2005-05-18T03:38:00.000+08:00

Since we are on the subject of Love from the previous entry, i am on a roll. It has never been easy for me to acknowlege Love. I may admire a man, i may lust after a man, i may like a man, i may have a crush on a man but i know surely that these are not love. I am not picky (or so i like to believe) or have high expectations but i am a cynic and a cynic must perform what a cynic does, which is a general mistrust for everything in the world, especially for the intangibles.

However once a long long time ago, about 13 years ago, when i was not a cynic but an innocent Primary 5 school kid, i lost my heart. This Singaporean form of Male Beauty came in the form of a tall and athletic Primary 7 Extended (at that time, those who did not pass their PSLE could repeat another 2 more years) senior better known as Andrew or Alvin(whichever name he fancied at that point in time but let's call him AA here), which were the popular names among ah bengs then. And i think Finicky Feline would like him. He has this super pai-kia look prized by Miss FF herself. He looked every inch a playboy, a juvenile deliquent and a gang member. I was .. uhm ... a well-built oaf of a female ogre with waist length hair either tied in a ponytail or a braid and geeky pink plastic spectacles. Our characters clashed. I was deceptively studious, he was outright playful. I was quite the apple of my teachers' eyes and he was the weed of theirs. I was encumbered with poundage of baby fat, he was lean and muscular. I was bespectacled and nerdy, he had perfect eyesight and had centre parting. Now, an honorary mention to the centre parting. Centre parting was the 'in-thing' in 1991/1992. That was because a Hong Kong heavenly king, Aaron Kwok sported it, did the "so we love love love tonight" song and became the overnight idol of asia-wide female adolescent desire. And so because AA sported this cool centre parting, i was not the only one to swoon over him and crave for his slightest smile. Plus he was 2 years older than me, compared to male peers my age, he was much more virile and manly.

So yours truly devised a plot to get close to him (Yes! Even at that age, i possessed the wit of a female Napoleon Bonaparte set out to conquer the man she loves). There was this tall ah lian whom One Little Twit always sit with because as she mentioned earlier, she was the magnifestation of a female ogre in making and tall people usually get to sit at the back row to prevent obstructing the mini-me classmates from looking at the blackboard. She became quite 'gam' (buddy-buddy) with the ah lian and one day, hola! she got invited for her first 'meeting' with the other lians and bengs at a nearby playground. She, of course, confirmed that AA was there as well.
She found out that the ah lians would sit at one circular stone table and the ah bengs would sit at the opposite table and their favourite past time then would be to 'beo' (eye) each other and send electrifying signals to their favourite ah lian or ah beng of their choice. Although she thought privately that it was an utter waste of time but all she was really interested in was to see AA more often and in time, get to talk to him. So she bore it rather well and was quite glad that she did not have to partake in other activities like surrounding other girls the ah lians were 'buay song' (not happy) with or take part in a fight against the ah bengs when one of the fellow ah lian got bullied by this ah beng. It was pretty spectacular, now to think of it. The ah bengs slapped the ah lians, trying to uphold a 'brotherly' honour and defend their friend although he was in the wrong and the ah lians tried to kick and scratch the ah bengs' eyes out.

I was rather devastated when AA hooked up with a mini-me ah lian (she was a dwarf really!) I tried very silly little ways to make him take more notice of me. Considering the tactics i used, it is embarrassing to spill my own dirty linen in public. But i shall accredit it to the folly of youth!

Ways One Little Twit tried to win a centre-parting man and failed (the below methods are highly disasterous to personal reputation. Teenagers are strongly advised against trying):

Walk by him as many times as possible. Even when you are going to Classroom A in the eastern wing of the school and you see him heading for Classroom B in the western wing of the school, thou shalt go with him to Classroom B and made sure he sees you before making a detour to Classroom A.

When you see him leaving from school, you catch up with him, pretend to be friendly and asked casually (as if surprised to see him) "Hey, arent you AA, the tall ah lian's friend?" but later "pecah your own lobang" (let the cat out of the bag) by asking him if he prefers you to call him Alvin or Andrew or Xian Xia or Ah-Xia, unwittingly and blatantly letting him know that you have been noticing him all this while and bear with his smirk look all the way home.

He usually sits with his gang at this mama shop just behind your flat, facing your kitchen. You find an excuse to hang around the kitchen to talk to your mother, stand by the kitchen window, let down your waist-long hair then flip the hair, laugh, twirl the hair, laugh and as a final straw of desperation, leaned half the way out of the window so that everybody who happen to cast a look at the window will get a shock out of their life seeing a semi-hanging Sadako who thinks of herself as a Rapunzel, waiting for the Prince to come and climb up her hair and kiss her into oblivion.

Knowing that he will walk past the path behind your flat on his way home, you pine away at the window, waiting to catch a glimpse of him. And when he finally does, you are not satisfied that he just walk away, you want him to look at you and hence you take up a big clothes peg and threw it down, hoping he will look up at you. Then you realize your aiming could not get better and it struck him on the head and he looks up angrily at you ....

You saw him and his gang behind you while on route to the market with your mother and insisted she leaves you at the playground and come back for you later. You decided to show him the poweress of your swinging skills and sat on a creeky old swing and started going higher and higher. You overheard him commenting that your waist-length hair is like a broom and instead of being insulted, you gleefully thinks he is finally noticing you and suddenly the swing broke and you landed sprawled on the sand much to the amusement of his gang and the ultimate embarrassment was when you could not find your spectacles as it had flown out and had to seek the help of another girl near you. Naturally, you fled.

And even after we split ways after PSLE, whenever i walked past the old primary school, i would think of him. I only stopped thinking about him after Secondary Two! I was in love with him for 4 years! The last i saw him was during Teachers' Day in 1994. He dyed his hair blonde, had multiple earrings and a nose chain. Never had i seen him since.

Oh! AA!
I had once loved you deep deep,
but do you even know me a little little bit?
I dreamt of me saying to you night night,
yet when i see you, my eyes can only open wide wide!

Late Night Call to Vienna

2005-05-16T02:06:00.000+08:00

It has been a secret wish of mine, nestled deep inside that i wish i could for once abandon my better senses, just leave everything behind, pack a bag and leave for Vienna where Adonis awaits. For me.

At least in my constant state of daydream.

Reality is not so straightforward. All i ever wanted in a partner is magnifested in a tall, blonde man with long hair, doing his thesis in a University in Austria. You know people have baggages. And i carry this secret, heavy baggage for the longest time. The only one who made me throw myself into sweet, wild desire to mold into his form and be completely dominated by him. The one who made me laugh when i asked him to dress nicely so that i may take a picture of him as a remembrance and he emerged, decked in all things checkered, a vest and a coat to match, looking like he was ready to do a formal speech. The one who bought me a carrot pouch because i was his "bunny" and the carrot pouch became something precious to me, the embodiment of my first true love, a feeling i'm afraid i would never experience again.

You see, i have always known.

I knew that his brief stay in Singapore would be our last, final meeting. I traced my finger on his jawline, quietly memorizing the crinkles his eyes made when he smiled, the little lines on his face, knowing that it would be the last time i would ever see him again. That night as i sent him off at the airport, i shed helpless tears. I did not want to cry in front of him but the recalcitrant tears had a mind of their own and wandered. Just to make myself feel better, i actually made him promise to marry me if no one would when i am 32, if he has not found The One.

He would never leave his family and his beloved university for me and me, i could never leave behind my family and quest an unknown future with him. He is too devoted and i am too inhibited, a combination which obviously would not culminate in any result.

Almost five years passed since he left. He never fulfilled his promise to revisit Singapore and i never pressed him for a return. In fact, we almost never communicated because we are busy with our lives and because i feel the yearning tear a little wider apart inside me whenever i talked to him.

Today i felt a little impulse and dialed the number, hoping fervently that he had not changed his line. He did not but i could not recognise his voice. It sounded different. More of a pleasant surprise, no more tenderness. Unable to control myself, i blurted out "Are you married yet?" and he replied no but soon followed "But i have a girlfriend now." I did not feel that acute pain i was expecting but instead only a strong feeling of resignation.

You see, i have always known.

The only consolation i gave myself was i have truly loved before. Have you truly loved before?

.....
Addendum: Of late, i've been wondering how i would feel if somebody who once meant so much to me romantically, gets married and invite me to his wedding party. Would i stand there mutely watching him soak in his marital bliss or would i prefer not to attend, sparing myself the agony?

I think i know the answer. I could never bid a proper goodbye to him, not knowing if he is blissfully married and if he is happy.

I would never ever feel heartbroken if he finds somebody deserving he loves and who loves him in return. I would never ever be such a selfish person to deny him nor disallow him that pleasure. It is just the "what ifs" tearing me apart and loneliness has never found a better time to submerge you so completely. I know that once a long long time before, he cared for me and that was enough.

Sexy Husband Advert

2005-05-13T05:15:00.000+08:00

I could use a gazillion expletives but it would not restore my very very long post i typed previously. The post you see below, people, is not virgin. It is the product of my raped imagination.

Let's repeat.

We are curious at all the things we do not know, cast in Providence's hands. We are awed by phenomenon of all nature, perhaps even predicted by our predecessors with the likes of nostradamus who possibly predicted the infamous 9/11 attack. We are mystified by the happenings we could not explain, the workings of a mystic force. To "un-curiosify", "de-awe" and "un-mystify" (Parental Guidance for Children Below 16: the words used are not certified by Cambridge and thus pose a negative influence to potential O'Levels candidates), we engage the help of palmistry, tarot cards, geomancy also known as fengshui or astrology to help us decipher the unknown and avert the bad.

Peeling apples for a prediction has been popular for ages. This method was used if someone had a very important question. The apple was peeled very carefully so that the questioner ended up with a long unbroken peel. The question was asked and the peel was thrown over the shoulder. The answer was "No" if it fell in the shape of an "U" or an "O" and it was "Yes" if it was anything else.

A girl can also find out who her future husband would be. The apple was peeled, again in one long continuous piece, and thrown over her left shoulder. If the peel remained unbroken, it would fall in the shape of the initial of her future spouse. If the peel broke, she would remain unmarried. She can also peel the apple at midnight on Hallowe'en. If a girl cuts an apple into nine pieces at midnight on Halloween in front of a mirror, then sticks each piece with the knife and holds each piece (one at a time) over her left shoulder, as the ninth piece hits the reflection in the mirror, she will see her future husband. If a girl peels an apple at midnight on Halloween and hangs the peel on a nail by the front door, the initials of the first man to enter will be the same as those of her unknown lover. Apple peeling was also used see how long your life would be. The longer the unbroken apple peel, the longer your life.

The mother is also a classic example. Indulging deeply in fengshui, she dutifully flips through the chinese newspapers to hanker after a certain Mr Tan Khoon Yong, a Singapore geomancer she has faith in and gleefully rubs each and every fat tummy that crosses her path ...

Maitreya Buddha, the only individual who is not ostracized for a BMI over 30, the definite signs of obesity and in fact, the fatter the better! No wonder he is so happy...

believing wealth and prosperity to come in her way soon. She is also the mother who, in her superstition misled my pure innocent self for years, telling me that eyelid twitching is a bad omen and that i would need to use my fingers to brush against the eyelid thrice and mutter "Let the Good come and the Bad go away". Of recent times, i've tried to contest the reliability of that belief but yet sometimes there seems to be a faint inkling of truth in some of her warped theories and i would hesitate denouncing her on the spot. When i was young, the moment i dropped a baby tooth, she would rush me to the window, make me stand very very straight and recite an all-powerful chant "PleaseLetThisToothBeStraight". With a powerful throw akin to a discus athlete, the tooth would be flung out of the window into the grassy patch below and i would wonder when the next civilization would dig out my estranged tooth fossil and determine that i am a 21st Century dinosaur. I am so kidding you not. I even have the bearing of one right now! Anyway, why i still gave credit to my mother's warped theories was because there was once i slouched a little when doing the sacred act of throwing a baby tooth out of the window again and that was the only tooth that turned out slightly crooked!

So the mother also attempted to turn the house into a fengshui grove. There is a porcelain toad coinbank facing the northeast direction, a little spiky cactus right outside my room and little stashes of 1-cent coins all over the corners of the house (my friends think it's really cute!). She also rearranged my plastic flowers in a fengshui-fied arrangement, believing that such enhancements would also necessarily enhance the quality of our lives by winning more 4Ds and totos. OK, i am lapsing into more mother tales, let's continue.

The first few times i experienced my first fortune telling were in school. One of the girls, the 'Guru', would try to predict our future using a stack of poker cards. She would draw out the 4 Aces, each representing a certain category, either "Love", "Career", "Health" or "Family". The cards would then be shuffled and every three cards would be opened, trying to find the next continuing number. The category would be completed if that category reached a 'King'. I recalled that my "Love" category didn't do too well which seemed pretty accurate. Not too bad for such amateurish attempts!

The next memorable fortune telling experience was in a chalet in 2001. There was this god-knows-come-from-where uncle who brought his china girlfriend and the girlfriend claimed a certain knowledge in palmistry. She offered sharing her knowledge. Palms outstretched, Miss Kawaii and i were excited! However she said Miss Kawaii would meet a huge crisis next year (in 2002) and she might live or she might die. As for me, she said i would be a divorcee and would have 3 boyfriends in total. I am glad to say none of what she said have appeared true yet for Miss Kawaii lived in perpetual stress for the next few weeks and moan her fate till she forgot about it.

Miss Exotic Specie visited a reowned fortune teller when she was pregnant. The fortune teller said that her baby (the now Pipa Quack) is very 'guai' (obedient) and very sad because he knows that his mother preferred him to be a girl. (Our hearts went all 'awwwwww' and marshmallowy and resolved to treat him better even though we still prefer a baby girl to masak-masak with). Anyway, she paid the same fortune teller a visit few weeks later when she was about 5 - 6 months pregnant and the fortune teller told her that her baby has a lot of hair and has big eyes! This is better than consulting a gynaeologist and doing a scan!

Recently, me and my bunch of friends wanted to visit a certain "Master Khor" who is supposedly quite accurate. One check at his consultation fees set us back. SGD75 for an hour of personal consultation. Only one will be allowed in the room. Too expensive, we decided and aborted the idea. Few days later, we spotted him at a roadshow and prices were between SGD15 - 25. Fate decreed and we shall not deny. He was suprisingly accurate and hit the nail on the head bluntly.

To a friend, this is a summary of his palm readings:
"You are a white liar. You are very horny. And you will be very popular if you choose your career to be associated with people eg. a dancer, singer or actor. I do not know why many people support you but they just do." Because of the truth of this prediction, this friend hence garnered the nickname "Popular Horny White Liar".

As for me:
"You are a hopeless dreamer. But yet you are also very pragmatic. You might be the third party in a relationship. You might also be involved in some kind of scandal. For example, you might have a sex scandal splashed over newspapers (Paris Hilton?) or it could be someone seeing you and everybody else will know.

You will take big bets. Be very careful. It's either you win everything or you lose everything. Be prudent. Money will come your way if you work. (duh) If you work, you are not afraid to have no money. (repeat!) Do the kind of work dealing with people, it is the best for you. You will marry and stay in Singapore. (Noooo!)

You are a sexy woman. (!!)

Remember. You must find a sexy husband, as sexy as you, or you will end up in divorce. He must be sexy. You must not be too picky. You will have three chances at marriage proposals. Once when you are 25, once when you are 27 and once when you are 28 or 29. One of these three will treat you really very well. He may not be the last one. If you miss all three proposals, there is a chance you might not get married at all. Remember to marry a man sexy. Now go!"

My conclusion is that he thinks it's easy for me to snare a sexy husband and by next year i will have a marriage proposal when i have no boyfriend and he obviously thinks i am shallow because if my husband is not sexy enough for me, i will divorce him!!

Alright the purpose of this long entry is ... i need a sexy husband. Anyone?

Oh, and i found there is a fengshui convention just like how there is going to be a blogger convention.

[courtesy of One Little Twit to those born in the Year of the Rooster]

Picking Up & Get Picked Up

2005-05-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

I have never, ever gotten picked up before. Not in the bus nor in a club, nor coming out of the restroom, nor when i'm gobbling wanton mee, nor when i am trying my bestest to bat eyelashes at that cute guy singing in Wala Wala whose name is not Jack. Either i am too fugly or too unbearably cute that looking at me will scorch their eyes or too icemaiden that my demeanor will freeze them in their tracks or too unobtrusive which i think is highly unlikely given the magnitude of my body. I could cover one and a half thin girls that Singapore has been sprouting up with, like mushrooms.

In my case, i think i am most likely reason number 1 and a slight bit of reason number 4.

But i love pick-up lines. Hearing pick-up lines so that i could spurt out that frozen magarita right into the faces of those who dare venture near my girlfriends. You see, i have rather cute girlfriends of different variety. There is the "Shu Nu" one, the "Kawaii" one (who has a super sharp razor tongue but nobody will know that because her appearance belies her tongue) and the "Exotic" one (i'm well-stocked). I usually do the job of a 'bounceress', helping them fend off the unwanted attention. Come on, with my kind of size, i just have to stand in the cute girlfriends' way (i could cover one and a half of them), fold my arms and look real mean and guys would just back off. You would not want to mess with me. *waggles boobs* I could snuff your life out in just a moment, like hantu teteks clasping the victims to their bosoms and suffocate them. *smirk*

Anyway, by mentioning that i have cute girlfriends, please do not ask me to introduce anymore. I have reached my quota for the lifetime. According to dear mother, matchmaking three pairs of couple will effectively hinder any hope of future marriage for myself.

Horror Union Number 1: One Little Twit was showing an ex-colleague, Mr Quack, neocards of herself and her girlfriends when Mr Quack exclaimed "Hey! This is the exotic girl! *points to Miss Exotic Specie* I've been *beo-ing her in NUS for a long time." One Little Twit said nonchalently "Go up to her and say hello if you want to know her and tell her you are my friend." He really did and now Mr Quack and Miss Exotic Specie are married with a 6-month old baby whom i nicknamed "Pipa Quack" (You know Pipa Duck? Pipa Quack is my idea of a lame joke).

So one good deed done. Nevermind, i told myself. It's a good thing.

Horror Union Number 2: One Little Twit introduced another (yes, she never learns her lesson!) ex-colleague, Mr Elder Tan to her best friend, Miss Shu Nu. Both these sluts kept telling me they do not have the electrifying touch for each other and guess how betrayed i felt when Miss Shu Nu started calling Mr Elder Tan "Puffy". Such an affectionate term. Something is in the air and not long after, they announced that they got together. Now Mr Elder Tan is considering marriage with Miss Shu Nu.

You know, i somehow suspect that i might just do better than SDU or Lunch Actually if i decide to conceptualise a form of matchmaking avenue.

In any case, i refuse to introduce any more friends to friends especially ex-colleagues to friends for fear the curse might come true.

I digressed too much. Back to picking up girls and pick-up lines.

I usually have to waste a whole pack of cigarettes throughout the night. Half of them for fagging because i had to calm myself to believe that such outdated pick-up lines are still in use and the other half were 'burnt for show' to ward off and warn men that they will be subjected to excruciating cigarette burns if they dare to be too forward or attempt to rubba-rubba near us.

The most daring thing i have ever instigated Miss Exotic Specie and Miss Kawaii to do was to play a prank on these 2 men. Miss Exotic Specie left Baby at home once to come clubbing with us at Mdm Wong (i know i know it's a *LLBB place ..). Miss Exotic Specie, although looks very exotic, tanned with very cuppable boobs and a flat tummy, is sometimes sadly mistaken for a transvestite for she has very sharp features and a too-good-to-be-true bod. I capitalized on that. This bloody sales dont-know-what kept passing Miss Exotic Specie slips of paper and his namecard. And his name is Edmund. I do not like the name 'Edmund', i have bad karma with them! (Sorry all other Edmunds who are reading but it's true) Another dont-know-what on the other hand, kept trying to hold Miss Kawaii's waist and blast his foul, beer-y breath right onto her face by asking her to stop acting coy and give her number to him. In the end, he passed Miss Kawaii a namecard too, the namecard stated his name 'Edwin'. I gave Edwin's namecard to Miss Exotic Specie and whispered a plan to her.

When dear Edmund walked past and tried to talk her into giving out her number, Miss Exotic Specie finally opened her mouth and out came a gruff, hoarse voice a-la an accomplished transvestite "I am touched, Edmund. No one wanted me as much as you do!" and she passed Edwin's namecard to Edmund. "My name is Edwin. Give me a call sometime soon." and she winked at Edmund who stood dumbfounded, held the card and walked stonily off in the opposite direction.

Miss Kawaii did the same and Edwin held Edmund's namecard and stood dazed for a while as we girls rushed our way out, overtaken by the spasms of laughter.
......

Common Pick-up Lines:
"You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world."
"You must be really tired. Because you have been running through my mind the whole night."
"Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."
"Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?"
"Help the homeless. Take me home with you."

I've been trying to imagine how it's like for a mandarin-speaking guy to pick up girls. Let me translate on their behalf. In order as above.

"你看起来好像一杯清凉的水！我是世界上最口渴的人!"
"你好累吧！因为你整夜在我心里跑来跑去."
"你的父亲是贼吗？因为有人偷了天上的星星，放在你的眼睛!"
"你能摸我所以我可以告诉我的朋友有个天使摸过我"
"我无家可归。带我回家吧!"

Absolute Nono-s Pick-up Lines! (Only if you are masochistic and would like to get slapped)
"Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them in your thighs?"
"You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls."
"Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?"
"Do you live on a chicken farm (girl says no) well you sure know how to raise cocks!"
"(Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."
"The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor."
"You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!" (specially dedicated to limbueytor)

*beo-ing: Orgling
*LLBB: Lian Lian Beng Beng (Interesting youth culture in Singapore)

Little Superhero Girl

2005-05-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

When i was young and energy a ton,
all i wanted to be,
was a little superhero girl
who saved the world.

I wanted to lift moody spirits from the dumps,
install in hopes and give them some fun.
I wanted to comfort lonely souls,
weak or strong, the young or old.
I wanted to talk to hopeless youths,
find them a bright light,
never let it fuse.
I wanted to go build houses and schools,
let them be educated and never looked upon as fools.
Surely this must not be so hard,
just live with conviction, help with a sincere heart.

Years later down the road,
i wake up suddenly one day to find my dreams afloat.
I am a moody spirit from the dumps,
i needed someone to give me hopes and show me the fun.
I am a lonely soul,
I live one day at a time and i go with the flow.
I have no more excess energy to fight,
in fact, i need to find my own bright light.

With all these problems in mind,
i sob, i wail, i kick and cry.
I realise i could never be a little superhero girl
who can help save the world.

(poem above inspired by Corrinne May's "Little Superhero Girl", post below inspired by poem above and post here by Trompe L'oeil)
.....

Youthful aspirations aplenty.

The good old question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I want to be a teacher! I want to be a nurse, just like Florence Nightingale! I want to be a pilot! I want to be a fashion designer! I want to be an artist! I want to be a singer! I want to be a soldier! I want to be a fireman!

I want to, i want to, i want to!

Live.

I seek a life well-lived. Socrates said "An unexamined life is not worth living." and it took me close to 8 years to discover the truth of such a simple statement.

I used to question why an unexamined life is not worth living. A life is a life no matter what and there should not be any issue about how a life is being led. If so, should a chicken contemplate its egg-laying existence? Should a frog think about the sincerity of the croaks he made? Should a plant meditate? But gradually, i started to look at the people around me, the strangers who passed by me briefly, their actions, their speech and their blogs and i started to wonder why some people can say mean things to other people without qualms. Even worse, why some people can spread vicious rumours behind others without a trace of guilt. These people, i liken to as a slithering snake, poised to attack. And these people may also find no peace because what they have done to others, others will repay in due time. Of course, there may exist a socratic paradox. Everyone desires to be good, no one wants to be bad and people may act improperly not because they want it but because they are not conscious of it and do not realize it. That is why 'examining' or reflecting one's life becomes important.

A life well-lived is of a different perspective to every individual person. A life well-lived to some may indicate good family ties, stable career, ability to provide for family whereas it may mean wealth, glory and fame to another. It may mean coming up with the most useful invention of modern times for a scientist, saving patients' lives for the doctor, balancing the balance sheet for the accountant or a tasty meal praised by her children for a mother.

My ideal of a life well-lived is to have a conscience, remember the people who made a difference and be well-remembered in the eyes of those who knew me.

Some personal rules i try to follow:

To treat all fairly and equally

To encourage more than discourage (Extend helping hands, listening ears, a warm enfolding hug to those who need it).

To smile more than i frown.

To let happiness and magnanimity rule and quell jealousy (Never let the green eye monster win. Never).

To respect life.

If there is any doubt, ask yourself, think of moral implications and serve your heart.

If i will have an eulogy, i should like to have a simple one:
"She wants to be a little superhero girl
who can save the world.
The world is never too big for her."

Mother

2005-05-07T01:43:00.000+08:00

In view of Mother's Day which falls tomorrow.

If you have asked me for a view of my mother sixteen years ago, when i was eight. This is probably what i would have written.

"I have a mother. My mother is very fierce to me. I know she wants me to be a clever person therefore she always scold me and makes me do my homework regularly. I want to be a good daughter to my mother even though she is fierce so that she can have a better life. My mother loves me very much."

Sixteen years down the road.

I have not changed my point of view much except that i wish to change 'fierce' for 'naggy'. But i know she still means well for me. I still want to be a good daughter to her and i still want her to be a better life.

My mother still has not changed much. She still does not like to cook.

Because our family was relatively poorer than our paternal relatives, i know it made her proud for me to lead an academic excellence. She lives a frugal life, preferring to cut dead her social ties just to dedicate all her time to family ties. Except for a few telephone correspondences with another two aunties who had been her long time friends, she stays at home all day managing housework, watching television and waits for me or my dad to come back. When i encouraged her to go out more and meet new people so that she will not be so alone at home, she only snapped at me "Go out no need money huh?"

She is the traditional mother who aspires to be modern, being inspired and encouraged by propaganda and media. She is the mother who tried to convey "sex education" when the government expressed the importance at a point in time.

She, who asked my father to explain to me the terms 'masturbation' and 'oral sex' (of course my dad refused point blank).

She, who told me that i should not allow any guy to touch my breasts for fear that their touch will enlarge my bust line. (How many girls wish for such a miraculous experience? I remembered telling her that my left breast is slightly bigger than my right and ask her permission to let the guy to touch only the left breast till it balances with the right).

She, who advised me against letting any man ejaculate inside me unless i plan to start a family. Her reason being? She says multiple times of ejaculation equates to larger amount of sperm residue inside a woman and after a prolonged period of time, these sperm residue will coagulate and form a tumour which has to be surgically removed!

She, who sought my "sexual expertise" by asking me if condoms are safe and if wearing two condoms are enough (causing me to choke on my colgate and swallowed some in horror). She, who asked me where to buy condoms and if the more expensive condoms indicate a better quality. She, who made me stand with her for 15 minutes at a local 7-11, gaping at the selection much to the amusement of the male counter staff and asking me the difference between condom A and condom B.

She, who expresses her racism when it comes to a potential candidate for her daughter. "Dont bring home any malays ah, no indians either. Me chicken, they duck, cannot talk together." She paused and added "No ang-mohs either. I heard ang-mohs like people to suck their **** and its very smelly!" (No offence to any creed and any race here at all).

She, who read the newspaper that 70% of singaporean males do not like to wear protection and decided to ask me if my ex-boyfriend is the same. She was also concerned about how our sex life is progressing between my ex-boyfriend and me. When i decided to lie that i have a virtually non-existent sex life to her for convenience sake, she asked if we are healthy. "Normal dating couples have sex like crazy, they can't get enough of each other and both of you do not do anything? Are both of you frigid?"

And in asking and expounding her twisted sexual knowledge to me, she provided merry amusement and laughter to my friends when i relate her theories. She is the mother whom my friends love to talk to for she is always smiling, two little dimples dancing animatedly as she talks. Plus she loves to praise my friends and denounce me as "naughty and recalcitrant" and my fucking friends would betray my trust and agree wholeheartedly with her, winking at me and watch me go up in smoke.

She, who pained my heart by dumping a one-piece $70 retro top into the sink and rubbed the beaded embroidery against each other so hard that they dropped off. And when the little cute bells got stuck at the sink, she jerked so hard that they either dropped off or flattened and i spent a futile night trying to do 'restorative works' to the defiled top, swearing to engage the services of drycleaning.

She, who bought me my first diamond solitaire for my 21st birthday and asked annually if i would like to upgrade it.

She, who likes to ask me silly questions like "Who do you think i love more? Your father or you?" and i would answer "Father" monotonously and she would praise me for my intelligence and ask how i knew that ...

She, who complains i am fat and no guy in the right frame of mind would want me.

She, who arouses my anger, helplessness, laughter and love for her, just like how i infuriate her, defy her and sadden her.

Nothing has changed, you see.

Sixteen years down the road.

My mother still loves me.

I love her too.

I still do not have the courage to say the three words out loud.

Sex In The Living Room; One Poor Soul Holed

2005-05-05T03:45:00.000+08:00

Just as i was contemplating how i should tell my parents that i want to move out when i am more financially stable, A told me his room mate horror story.

No, the room mate did not keep little voodoo dolls with his face stuck on it or kept pagan figurines with nails all over the body. The room mate ... had sex in the living room.

Actually i was kind of tickled by the idea. Most men would probably agree that it is kinky! To be caught in action and be an exhibitionist at least once in a lifetime. BUT, that is only if you are the one getting the action! Can you imagine poor A, having to voyeur the unfortunate scene and yet have no say in the action in his own house?

"What would you have done?" A asked.

I told him that i would stay and watch for the first time, bring in the popcorn on the second time and invite friends over for the third time and for the fourth time, i am so going to throw the couple out. A had to resist the urge to snap this entire process and post them online for our viewing pleasure.

Totally justifiable i think (I would dearly love to see really! Closet voyeur i am!)

Anyway, i found out that A isn't the only suffering soul, there are others who bravely stood out and shared their stories.

What should he have done? Should he walk away and hole himself in the entire night till the couple is done? Should he have just stayed and watched? Should he pretend that they are not there and go about doing his own stuff? Should he have filmed it down? Should he issue a verbal warning?

Dan Savage of The Portland Mercury shared his opinions when someone asked him the above etiquette question. His reply was pertaining to four people having sex in the living room, let me change it to a 2 person scenario.

Quick etiquette question: Should one make it a point to say goodbye to the couple having sex in the living room, or is it best to slip out quietly?

Answer: If a couple is having sex in the living room and they haven't invited you to join them, two very specific things can be inferred. First, they don't want you to join in. If they did, they would've pulled you in. Second, if they're really going at it, they've probably forgotten that you exist. Walking in and saying, "I guess I'll be going to my room, um, tell me when you are done. Okay? Uh. Bye. Have fun, see you, uh, bye" will be perceived by the couple as a desperate attempt to remind them that you do exist, in the hopes that they might change their minds and pull you in. Don't be so pathetic. You weren't wanted, and reminding the couple on the floor that you're still there only gives them another opportunity to reject you.

Sounds logical. I think i persist my theory in staying, watching and fagging. Bring in the camcorder as well, they might just notice it and could possibly spice things up for them.

(re-enacted scenario)
Girl: Oh darling, A is filming us! Stop!
Guy: Oh f*ck! A, stop filming us! *humps harder* Stop that right now! *humps humps humps*
Girl: Dah-link! He is filming us! We are .. *moan* .. this is so kinky.
Guy: Yeah! *humps* Do that somemore, i'll throttle you with my mighty *humps* penis.
At this point, Girl shudders into spasms of orgasm hearing about Guy wanting to throttle with mighty penis.

Anyway, while i was casually surfing the net, i found this way to enhance sex by the use of sex cushions. Simply amazing.

Well, give A ideas. What would you have done?

What Are Those Things Poking Out?

2005-05-04T01:04:00.000+08:00

When i was eighteen,
young and perky,
accepted a dare made by many.
The deal was to go 'airy',
remove the bra underneath the spagetti.
I rashly agreed,
walked around the interchange and let men have a treat!
I did not attract the right form of attention,
chickened out, covered up and walked in the opposite direction!

I've always wanted to have flat nipples. In that way, even if i do not wear a bra, the nipples would not show (and that was then..) If i have flat nipples, the air con could keep on blowing at my blouse and my nipples would not protrude out. If i have flat nipples, chee-ko-peks would not stare my nipples as if they are alien and talk amongst themselves. If i have flat nipples, the mathematicians would not try to determine if they are horizontally aligned to each other and perpendicular to the lamp post. If i have flat nipples, the bra peddlers could not see where my nipples are under my blouse and would not try to foister their wonderbras onto me, claiming it to be an 'uplifting experience' and attempt to get me to try something to push my breasts right under my chin. If i have flat nipples, the little girls would not be tempted to look and later compare theirs against mine in secrecy, wondering about the disparity. If i have flat nipples, the pubescent males would not jeer and shout "Nipples! Look at her nipples poking out!"

And if i have flat nipples, no one could possibly see that without a bra, my breasts rest comfortably on my tummy at waist level, going with the flow of gravity each day.

Safe In A Crazy World; Infused By Dreams

2005-05-03T01:34:00.000+08:00

Corrinne May's new album "Safe in a Crazy World" is out!

Recently i knew this 18 year old kid. I know calling him kid doesnt sound too good but hell, i am allowed that perogative alright! I am 6 years older than him. He is a pianist and is now training for some competition at the end of the year. Normally i do not have the chance to talk to someone so much younger than myself and now that i did, it was a refreshing change.

He lives in a world away from the usual cynicism and pragmatism. It is a world full of enthusiasm, love for what he does, encouragement from his parents and confidence for the future.

He wants to be a top notch pianist. He practises diligently and makes me promise that if he does get into the finals, i have to come and watch him play. In fact, throughout the time i talked to him, he lets nothing frazzle him.

In my world, i am weary and wary of what comes along my way. It is a world full of self doubt and desire, a lonely path, an unknown future. There is not a day when he caught me online without a friendly and chirpy "Hi! How are you today?" from him. A simple sentence radiating with so much positivity that it made me smile, even if a little bit.

I realised that all i want to be in life is to be happy. Be like him. Do what i want and as i please. Have a goal, fulfill it. Never let dreams stay as dreams, work towards it. Even if dreams do not gather fruit, there is the importance of trying. Find a muse, be inspired by him. Find a warm hand, just hold it. For your friends, just hug them. Share that body warmth, be infused with it.

Hell with propriety, notions and societal demands.

Embrace fragility, find the strength.

Keep me safe (but maybe i dont want to be safe or saved),
in a crazy world.

Ballymoon Afterglow; Green Fairy Strikes

2005-05-01T03:58:00.000+08:00

One Little Twit met One Little Twit's Blogger Friend 1 and Blogger Friend 2 for a drink at Ballymoon. This is One Little Twit's second night in the row. In fact yesterday, there was a rather good 2-person live band. The girl, Louise (i think), has a most mesmerizing voice. As she crooned to Natalie Cole's "L-O-V-E", dedicated by One Little Twit, many males sat spellbound and some men even stopped some women from leaving to buy them drinks and hear Louise sing.

Anyway, Blogger Friend 2 decided to try his hand at being a fairy today. He asked for a Green Fairy from the bar. According to Henri-Louis Pernod's original absinthe recipe, absinthe includes angelica, aniseed, fennel, hyssop, juniper, nutmeg and wormwood (which contains the neurotoxin thujone). Chlorophyll (?!) was then added to give absinthe a green hue thus giving rise to its romantic nickname "La Fée Verte" or the "Green Fairy".

Anyway, when the waitress came with the drink, she was also helpfully providing information about the drink. Absinthe contained 70% alcohol and Vincent Van Gogh supposedly drank absinthe and got so high that he cut off his own ears and gave them to a friend (whom i found out it was actually a prostitute).

Absinthe is traditionally poured over a perforated absinthe spoon full of sugar into a glass of water and it's supposed to be a bright green colour! I think we got cheated. The end result looked more like lime juice and is most definitely not as glowy green as it should be!

Anyway, Blogger Friend 2, do you know Absinthe is an aphrodisiac as well? Did you feel horny after drinking it?!

While Blogger Friend 1 and me were going to keep a lookout for Blogger Friend 2, making sure he does not do stupid things like cutting off his ears and giving it to the prostitutes outside (there were a lot lurking around opposite Ballymoon), Blogger Friend 2 seemed to be holding his own quite well and could even accompany us on our quest to check out pole dancers at Orchard Towers. But don't bother getting excited, there ain't any pole dancer in sight at all.

I think i am mildly addicted to drinking.
Tuesday - Hoegaarden and a frozen Magarita.
Wednesday - A Blueberry Magarita
Thursday - Chardonnay
Friday - A Mango Passion Magarita
Saturday - A Strawberry Magarita

One Magarita a day keeps the doctor away. My cough is getting better, i think.

Night of Silence; Chardonnay Helps Sleepless

2005-04-29T16:36:00.000+08:00

We were so bored, so weary and totally unclear what we want to do.

There's no good movies worth watching in town. We skipped the idea.

We had our dinner, now brimming full of Ajisen Ramen and floating fried chicken in our tummies.

We sat lifelessly at MacDonald's, bored of the constant stream of people walking and all i had in mind was just some wine.

"Get up, let's go. We'll go to Y's house first to pick up the wine and clothes then to A's house to pick up another bottle of wine and a change of clothes then to my house to drink up all the wine." I commanded and as if there is finally something to look forward to, Y and A seemed suddenly more energetic.

So at my house, i found a cheque for two hundred dollars from a little 'experiment' i have done with a firm much earlier. Oh joyous joy! And we toasted and drank up all the chardonnay. We switched the air-con to 17 degrees to make my room a better place.

We laid down by the soft warmth of my star-spangled lamp and went through numerous albums with the likes of The Observatory, Nat King Cole and Bill Cunliffe and finally each of us drifted one by one into an unanswerable mode; fatigue overtaking the mind.

Me, unwilling to end the night so full of comaraderie and unspoken love for each other, picked up the camera and snapped a few shots for future remembrance.

Before long, i became way too drowsy and the shadows from my lamp started to dance little circles in my woozy brain.

Kiss Me, I Promise Not To Bite

2005-04-28T11:36:00.000+08:00

Even if i sound desperate, i must say this.

I.want.to.be.kissed

I so miss the feel of a man's rugged stubble brushing across my chin and capture my mouth in one wild, sizzling hot kiss. My mouth would be his conquest and the yielding of my tongue would be his prize. Guy De Maupassant said "Do you know whence comes our real power? From the kiss, the kiss alone! When we know how to hold out and give up our lips we can become queens. I figured that to hold real power, to become a queen and in short, to be kissed, i need to strategize because i don't see myself going to be kissed anytime in the near future unless i employ the below:

1) Pretend to be drunk and kiss all the gorgeous men in sight.
I would drink just a pint of Hoegaarden and start to sway and stagger and aim for specific targets across the room and land myself on their chests then place my mouth strategically near theirs and make sure i don't emit mouth odour or burp.

2) Buy a peach and walk up to him, show him the peach and sprout:
"a peach is a peach
a plum is a plum
a kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue
... so open up your mouth
and close your eyes
and give your tongue some exercise..."
(then open mouth, wags tongue to show him you mean business.)

3) Buy a bouquet of flowers and give it to a male of my preference and when he is shocked into silence, tell him bashfully:
"Will thou teach not thy lips such silence, for it was made
For kissing, not for such silence"
(and start to kiss him violently.)

4) Walk up to a male brazenly and tell him:
"I would rather have one touch of your skin (strokes his arm)
one breath of your hair (strokes his hair)
one kiss of your mouth (seizes him in a wild kiss and after which you say..)
then an eternity without"
and walk away with the bold courage you can gather. I imagine it pretty erotic!

5) Eyed that stressed/health-conscious colleague for ages? Tell him that kissing is a good form of therapy and a passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories per minute. (This compares to 11.2 calories per minute you burn jogging on a treadmill.)

6) Go all woeful and tell your guy friends that you are inept at kissing and need some expertise on the subject and pray and hope that there will be one kind enough to demonstrate.

A good kiss for me constitutes of:

1) He should never look at anybody else while kissing me.
2) His kiss should never be wet and gooey! A woman shouldnt have to wipe her mouth after the kiss!
3) The kiss should be slow and the kisser should take his time.
4) The kisser should smell nice and delectable. Never ever kiss a girl after onion or garlic or vinegar consumption unless of course, if the girl has a special fetish for it!
5) Not too much tongue on the first kiss please. A little is fine. Afterall it IS kissing and not tongueing is it?

You Are A Juicy Kisser!
About Your Kissing Style:

Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.
You are the perfect - with the right combo of lips and tongue.
It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!

What Your Kissing Style Says About You:
You're 100% hot, and you know it. You're all about being sexy, all the time.
You have no trouble scoring dates or kisses ...
Just trouble getting rid of jealous people trying to show you up!
You attract attention from every hot guy and girl... even before you show off your kissing skills.

Your Personal Kissing Matches and Mismatches:
Go out with another Juicy Kisser and you'll be the power couple of the party. Sure, you'll have a ton of hot kisses, but only after everyone there has checked you guys out. Hook it up with a Romantic Kisser and you may have found your soulmate.
Romantic Kissers will be attracted to your appeal, and you'll appreciate their loyalty.

Keep away from Carnal Kissers! They'll just try to play you for sex, and
ruin your reputation in a heartbeat. And Freaky Kissers are way too wild and
rough for your style. You prefer pleasure to pain, thank you very much.

How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Determined by the Kissing Test, i am over 16. *smirks*

So desperate, i don't care. Living thing or not.

I Am Scared

2005-04-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

I was just browsing through the web aimlessly and i chanced upon this site and some of the terms are so weird, i could die laughing. Check out some interesting ones below.

Did you know that fear of being enclosed is called clithrophobia? I figured not many men would suffer from this kind of phobia.

Fear of beautiful women is Venustrapphobia.

Hmm, fear of clothing (something men would love to see women suffering from) is Vestiphobia.

Fear of urinating?! Check out Urophobia.

Phallophobia - Fear of a penis, especially when erected.
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th
Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.

There are just too many phobias in the world! I am soon becoming phobophobia myself!

Bye Bye Mister C.

2005-04-25T03:26:00.000+08:00

It is just funny how when the status is changed, things felt so much more different. Afterall, a status is just a change of name plus/minus the obligatory roles of duties that sometimes accompany it.

And we, my date and i, have both determined that we are not going to "make it" and broke up on amicable terms. Two years and god knows how many months of telephone calls, sms-es, smiles, hugs, hand-holding and tears brought to a standstill by that one moment of silent, inexplicable knowledge.

At that moment, i was propped on my elbows, trying to steal a peek at him and he was sitting on the chair, quietly perusing me. And suddenly he asked me a question.

"Do you love me?"

I contemplated for a long while before answering.
"I do not love you but i have great fondness for you. What about you?"

"I do not love you. I am attracted to you. But then again, i do not love anyone."

And then the time came. Because the hearts were laid so bare, there wasn't any excuse to continue lingering on any further. The thought of losing him as a lover and as a friend came so appalling close that me who seldom cry had to blink away a few drops of tears.

"Why do you cry?" he asked, knowing fully well that i seldom do and puzzled for his seeing tears.

Fact is i don't know. When you are this close to losing someone forever, then you will come to realise their importance. We ate my favourite fishball noodles and chicken wings in silent solitude and then wandered off somewhere to talk and let me fag my subdued spirit away if only temporal. We discussed things we never did when we were dating and i found myself memorizing his very long eyelashes i so love to tease him about. I never kept in contact with any of my previous boyfriends and there was this impending sense of loss that he would too, end up being just a face in my memory.

At the beginning, there was a brief sense of relief when we both reached a mutual understanding but what followed it, was loss and regret. As he sent me into the cab, i looked at his departing figure. He never looked back. As what E told me before, the level of attachment a person has towards you is judged by whether he turns back and looks out for you at the moment of departure. And he did not turn back. I concentrated on the journey that loomed ahead. I knew now that i am truly alone.

The ironic thing was that his toenail accidentally scratched my feet and left a wound - one that was throbbing and a constant reminder these few days of our newly-found status. He left me a message.

"Joyous flights of fantasy,
addictive emotions of ecstacy.
I want. I want. I want."

But we did not want we.

Right now, i keep myself positive by thinking "There is nothing a few drinks or a whole lotta fags cant fix."

[p/s: and i just found a photo of my dad's younger self. Behind it, it was wrote beautifully. To XXX (my mother), 莫忘影中人 From YYY (my dad). I never knew my dad had a romantic streak in him. Especially poignant.]

Collecting Letterboxes

2005-04-21T01:57:00.000+08:00

While in my younger days, i collected stamps from all countries in all shapes and sizes, patiently soaking each used one in water till the stamp came out in one perfect wet piece and then hung each one out to dry carefully.

Now in my twenties, i found myself getting attracted to letter boxes instead, especially those with a retro flavour for they spoke of character, a life of news and 'contain-ment'.

All taken on 20th April 2005 as i wandered aimlessly after coffee in Kensington Park Road.

Listen to Mia Doi Todd if you have the chance. She is spectacular.

Look! No Nose!

2005-04-20T02:08:00.000+08:00

As i am typing this entry, i regret to inform you that my nose is on the verge of dropping off. It is red like Rudolph's and i might not have the chance to salvage it further.

Before my nose drops off in entirety, i would like to tell it how much i love it.

Thank you Nose, for helping me sniff my food, so i decide what's good and what's bad and i can eat wisely.

Thank you Nose, for letting me breathe in the warm musky scent of males and raise my predatory instincts by a few notches and send delicious shivers down my spine.

Thank you Nose, for letting me have the chance to show my affection by rubbing nose with others.

I am sorry that i have allowed you to get raped by the multitudes of tissue paper, causing you to be sore and the nostrils enlarged from overuse.

I am sorry.

Bored

2005-04-19T09:38:00.000+08:00

I need a date today. Or a couple of dates. I wouldn't mind.

And if you do not mind my cuddliness, we could go for a coffee or a tea or a beer and drink ourselves silly. [drop me a message - hellotwit at hotmail.com?]

Sigh, i wish i could spend my tuesday with Morrie but unfortunately, it may be just me, myself and i.

Decision Reversed

2005-04-19T03:36:00.000+08:00

And i have long decided that one little twit shall be my anonymous online persona and i have spoilt it by meeting up one of the bloggers. Not that it was his fault. In fact, i goaded it - out of sheer boredom, wordly curiosity and perverse satisfaction to unveil the good man behind the blog.

And i was not disappointed.

He speaks good mandarin! Surprise surprise for me since most men i converse with are "gang-tangish" in nature.

He doesn't talk much! Which is fine with me since i myself can too succumb to silence when i am dazing, gazing, lazing and i do not feel compelled to talk just because he does and it made a very comfortable situation.

He lets me see his pussy! Which is a bonus because i get to play with his pussy, stroke his pussy even though it was by no means antagonistic due to its horniness. That i can forgive! [pussy = cat]

He lets me see the wedding videos he took! Did i mention i love watching wedding videos because more often than not, they instill a sense of romanticism and restore my faith in marriage if only briefly. And they were so personalized and made with care ... it made my heart ache in loveliness.

He made me realize. That i have never looked at planks more intensively than i had - about 30 minutes looking at the same old plank with fingerprints.

He cares for his friends! And i could see his look of anxiety when he is perplexed by the troubles his friends encounter in life and it makes me feel heartened that perhaps one day he might play exactly the same role and be an "Uncle Agony" to me.

He thinks of his girlfriend when she is not by his side! Triple bonus in one night, a major thumbs-up. Of all, i value loyalty in males.

Thank you C, for giving me the pleasure to know you and your pussy and extending the invitation to entertain my bored self while watching you work. It felt kind of good really, to know people on a personal level and be able to share in their lives. In fact i feel fucking exhilarated. I guess i'm really a people person.

And i can't believe it since my match.com profile has been approved. I have 13 msn males who want to know me better. This is crazy but i'm going to go respond to some of their emails.

A Twit's Life

2005-04-13T03:55:00.001+08:00

To cut a long story very short, One Little Twit did something wrong and she is now paying penance for it.

She has been accused with the likes of "manipulation", "trying the shift the balance of friendship", "taking advantage of others' sweet nature", "jeopardizing our friendships" and also, no integrity.

*muses*

First time in my entire life, i have been subjected to a debasement in my character i never thought possible. First time in my life, i encountered someone who do not want to look at me in the eye nor sit opposite me for fear that his supposedly, self-proclaimed astute judge of character will prompt him to read further into my "deep complicated look" as he so put it and cause him to uncover things about me that he would prefer remain hidden to respect me. First time in my life, i met someone who, from the day he knew me, kept me at bay and tagged me with words akin to "Danger" and "Evil".

*muses*

I never knew i have such a haunting look. "Deep complicated look" sounds perfectly ... intelligent. It sounds as though i am scheming, cunning and a force to reckon with, quite almost a credit to a twit. Perhaps i should reconsider it as a compliment.

I feel i have been discriminated against. The debasement of my character, i have reasons to believe, also came from my past educational background even though it is now less than adequate. Having graduated from two good schools in the past seem to indicate i am a person, no more simpler than Hitler, well-tuned in the art of manipulation, deception and capable of deep, macabre thoughts.

I was upset. I am upset. Perhaps i should not put to heart the words of inconsequential people but yet i did. I kept replaying self-doubt.

Have i thus, sunk so low that i did not realize?

The obvious fact that someone would knew me at first glance could have found me repulsive seem to indicate a serious wrong either in the way i carry myself or the way i handle human relationships. But it hurts being stripped off any good qualities to a naked filthy level in that conversation exchange.

I am worthless.

I'm now going to tell you a story.

I was once young, perhaps about five years old. My paternal relatives looked down on my family, deemed us inferior in our three-room HDB flat compared to their uppity swanky bungalow. My parents told me "It's okay to be poor but we must be poor with integrity. The more people want to step on us, the more we have to fight and prove them wrong." And i made them proud initially by superseding my cousin, if not in wealth, in grades.

Now, i have nothing for them to be proud of me.

After the character dissection, i have even less to offer. In fact, i have nothing to offer. It makes me swallow tears to allow others to step over me and gloat and say "I told you so." But the most depressing comes from giving evil-doers an opportunity to look down on my parents as well, doubt my family upbringing and in turn, bring shame on the very people who scrimped their money to bring me to MacDonalds every weekend so i may never feel shortchanged in my childhood, missing out on what other kids had been getting.

You might even think this is exaggeration, to link people's words with so much further implications but it was almost as if i could feel scorn in his words, his disdain for my poverty but interestingly, he "look me too up".

It was never my intention to adopt a deep complicated look, to be a character filled with complexities; it was simply not a matter of choice. If i could be, i want to be someone simple with a big heart and easy contentment. I never wanted to be cynical, i never wanted to have to stoop to a self-edifying reflection of my character today.

I do not cry, i will not cry, i told myself over and over.

I shed my first tear. The rest restrained forcefully in me still.

One Little Stupid Girl

2005-04-11T01:48:00.000+08:00

There are times i feel so fucked up and yet i know i should not let myself go because that would be the most cowardly thing to do but thinking about it makes tears come to my eyes.

One little twit befits me. I am the stupidest girl on earth.

Living Life, Find A Mate

2005-04-06T18:59:00.000+08:00

And suddenly i woke up today, found myself dressed in an oversized tshirt and shorts and greasy hair in the mirror, i suddenly realised i could not wait for my weight to hit an all low to begin "living".

I dare not go for pilates, yoga, that salsa class, wakeboarding or even swimming because i do not want to relegate myself to being in a position when my tummy fats would spill over and make me look "layered" as Michelin boy is. This is not to say that i am not living life fully right now. I still go for my favourite movies, bought more clothes i have ever did than when i was thinner, wore the favourite big dangling earrings and bright sweaters.

I was convinced that a job change would only be in order when i am thin and beautiful. Afterall, i have always desired a job in Mass Communications or Marketing whereby body-beautiful is aesthetically important as part of the image because "you look the part". Right now, i'm stuck in my customer service job with no further prospect and finally have a chance at getting to go to Ontario for a brief training stinct before coming back to Singapore to begin a new customer service career, albeit a higher-paying one until i get my required qualification to do a total job switch.

And with that lingering thought in mind, i was absentmindedly reading through the emails until i came to one that says "Your new matches from Match.com". Match.com sent me 2 profiles which they think i would be interested in according to the criteria i had specified when i first signed up for fun 2 years ago. I just updated my profile and started surfing for like-minded individuals and seems like there are so many guys too good to be true and best of all, they are all single! (Anna!, we have hope, you can find one you like too!)

They are well-educated with the likes of graduating from US and UK, well-travelled and they have no physical expectations of the females stated! As long as the females are "sensitive, caring, sweet and share the same hobbies", these males are satisfied. I have never met so many more "funny, outgoing, shy, happy-go-lucky, considerate, bubbly" males within such a short period of time. But browsing through these introductions kept me amused the entire time. The introductions are supposed to attract a female's attention and induce them to message the said guy but ... well, they are highly entertaining with grammatical errors included.

Some try their hand at publicising their age to the public

"hi gals n ladies; i have 2 big candles and 4 small candles on my birthday cake last year."

"I am produce from a singapore chinese couple 27 years ago."

Some advertise themselves to a higher level

"when things go wrong and when sadness fill your heart and when tears flow from your eyes, just let me know. cause i want to be there for u. i am selling tissuse.Buy 1 GET 1 FREE!FREE!."

"Honda Civic became my chosen profile name because like the car, it best describes my personality - masculine yet sensitive, responsive yet unnerving with a little gusto that comes in a pretty neat package."

"To beign with I am a busy professional with a financial institution. Some will classify the degree to how busy you are to the extend of how successful you are. If that's the case I guess I must be very sucessful due to the fact that i seldom have much free time for myself"

"I am average looking but friends often commented on my gentlemanly looks adding that many parents will go gaga over someone like me as their son in law."

Some blatantly plead for love

"Just easy gg guy who is wondering whether true love still exist in this world. if love still exist in this world, then could someone show it to me..."

"well ... feeling bored, not ready to start off relationship yet but human seems contradicting sometimes, might hope that someone will just walk into my life."

Some expound their qualities

"I am a very active, sporty and adventurous, out-door going person. I can be very serious at times but friends describe me as a loyal, positive, down to earth, friendly and sociable."

"I am easygoing, humorous, intellectual, practical and romantic, energetic, witty and a conversationist(only to people that i am comfortable with)."

"I am very famious in my office and my fame came when I always delete the CGI files and problem with the mapping of the software application. "

Some state their reasons clear

"howdee...finally married my younger sister off today and having enough of the '' when is it your turn'' questions, i have the sudden impulse to turn myself to typical ''friendfinder'' websites in search of the female specie, (hey...I have enough friends of the male specie to count on)."

"To be honest with everyone (as I do not intend to cheat), I am married and separated now. Landed in this state as I was too kind to her and she took advantage of it and left with another man."

I'll let you all if i manage to snare myself a kind, sensitive, considerate, outgoing male.

Value Your Food ... Because It Is A Luxury

2005-04-05T09:48:00.000+08:00

My mother has foresight or so i declare.

In one year which amounts to 365 days, she does not cook more than 50 days. And out of these 50 days, probably 25 days, she cooks because she wants to present offerings to the celestial beings, ancestors, heaven and earth. Therefore eating home-cooked food became a luxury and eating out a commodity.

Yesterday, my mother mentioned casually that she will be cooking dinner and enquired if i want to come back for dinner. I jumped up with an enthusiastic 'Yes!' and told her i'll be back early then. My mother is cooking for me! She is cooking for me! If she had cooked 360 days out of 365 days, you would not feel compelled to go home and eat because home-cooked food is always available. You could come home at 7 pm and your mother would tell you she kept some vegetables and soup for you. You could come home at 9 pm and your mother would tell you she kept some chicken and soup for you. You could come home at 11 pm and your mother would tell you she kept some soup and rice for you. In short, you could come home anytime and your mother would have saved some food for you!

But not for me, my mother did not. She made home-cooked food scarce and precious. She made me eat my $2 JTC "chai png" (economy rice) wishing that i am eating her turnip egg and chili prawns.

So anyway, i am going home early tonight to eat dinner. I get to eat that home-cooked meal because my mother is whipping up a table of offerings to the ancestors today.

Lo-mantic Notions

2005-04-04T03:42:00.000+08:00

Oh my god, i am so slow but this is surely too sweet even if the girl feels traumatized. Presenting the 'NUS MA1506 Love Story' [courtesy of Zhi Qiang].

The girl may feel embarrassed by the unwarranted attention but this is an almost once in a lifetime thing. How many guys would bear such courage in front of the entire lecture hall? I think in time to come, she may be able to think of it more fondly and have a few good laughs at her own expense.

You know i was at this male friend, E's place today. As we were lying on the bed after a particular physically strenuous exercise (no, we didn't have sex), he started commenting that he is a really romantic person and would go all out to make the girls feel special and take time to prepare romantic programs to please them. The more he talked about it, the more impulse i have to giggle. Suddenly, i could take it no more, turned to him and told him "Well, i don't see your romantic side yet. A girl is lying right beside you and all you could do is fold your arms across your chest."

And he fumbled up with a weak excuse muttering "No lar, i'm cold ..."

But i could see that i deflated his self perception a little.

And anyway when i was leaving his place for home at 2 a.m, he even gave me a packet of rubbish to throw away although he did thank me for it. He did not offer to send me back because if he did, i would feel better. And i'm not that hard up for a seat in a car alright! I would decline if he would offer. If he would. As if he would. Even his security guard has more gentlemanly gestures and helped me flag a cab in the drizzle. I'm blogging now at 3.55 a.m and i bet my life that he has probably concussed and dead to the world, oblivious and uncaring as to whether i have got home safely.

Let me teach you a little, the hopeless males out there.

Being "romantic" does not entail only in lighting candles, buying flowers, giving presents, sms-ing, paying for her meals, wearing thongs and g-strings for her aesthetic pleasure and sending her home in cabs. There are general little gestures that could and would warm her heart considerably than the above.

Hug her when she is cold.

Give her a peck on the forehead or cheek from time-to-time.

Hold her hand when crossing the road.

Be concerned about her safety even if you cannot send her back.

Hold her when she cries during movies. Offering tissue is a bonus.

Telling her that you love her hairy arms and to please grow them back.

Laugh at her pimple but tell her she still looks very cute to you.

Snuggle up to her in bed and hold her till both fall asleep.

Watch a movie at home with microwavable popcorn (or make your own!) and coke light.

I know almost all girls are emotion leeches. And being lo-mantic is really an art unto itself.

postscript: Stats are a-jumping, i've been miyagi-ed (sounds like unagi man) and no, i'm not one of his "Chio-bu of the Day".

Get A Life!

2005-04-02T10:13:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling a little out of sorts recently, like i want some change to take over my life completely and envelope me in a whirlwind. Perhaps i've been monotonous too long, much as people who do not know me deep down feel that i've been getting "more than a life" compared to them but truth is that i am sorely lacking in creativity and new forms of activity to indulge.

I've been contemplating a whole new life, one that does not include frivolous friends who do not mean a thing of what they say to you, a reprieve from the norm.

"Hey give me your number, i'll call you someday and we'll catch up from there."

and the call never came. It is not that i begrudge them for that one call but rather i begrudge the lack of effort in doing so. Of course i have to agree that there is such a term "overlooking" to which i am susceptible as well.

So i kind of figured out that not all kindly responses will be reciprocated in the same way, not all will feel kindly towards you as you to them.

So changes that i propose to make to my godforsaken life includes:

Creating a resume and start throwing it into all directions, hoping to land onto someone who is willing to hire me - to tell you the truth, i've never created a proper resume in my life. If you have an effective format, please email [hellotwit at hotmail.com] me.

finding an overseas assignment, i need a change in environment.

I think i would really like to work in the culturally rich places. Think of me posing beside Michelangelo's David, supposedly one of the most beautiful male sculptures, visiting the Louvre Museum in Paris, made even more famous by Da Vinci Code, skulking around the Pyramids of Egypt, do a hookah in Turkey a la the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland and not in Arab Street, watch a bull see red in Spain and so much more, i'm dreaming while typing this entry.

moving out - which is not really an option since i'm the only child and would probably devastate my parents with my choice.

taking up new hobbies

But what? Collecting stamps is not an option anymore! I figured the most popular hobbies nowadays are virtual voyeurism (i know you people out there are silently orgling at xiaxue!), blogging, creating viruses with strange-sounding names and plastic surgery. And perhaps some jizz-amo actions.

Meet more new people, get more wholesome friends.

Quick, get me a job, get me new friends, get me some hobbies and most of all, marry me so i may have my own house finally!

April Fools

2005-04-01T15:22:00.000+08:00

My life could be pretty damn sad if i tell you on a friday like this, i am going to watch a movie alone.

But truth is - i enjoy watching movies alone, sometimes. It is just that streak of independence that comes screaming out and says "I don't need someone just to do things. I don't need someone if i want to go to the beach and catch a couple of sea breeze. I don't need someone to watch a movie i've been dying to catch."

It's just lovely to go shopping alone sometimes and do not depend on your friends' judgement by asking them repetitively "Nice or not? Nice or not?"

So here i am, hair washed and clothes donned, getting ready and set.

And i'm going to be at Zouk's "Very Foolish" event, see you there in throes of anonymity if you are there.

A Day In The Life Of ...

2005-03-30T10:05:00.000+08:00

Good morning, this is one little twit speaking from her office at ten bloody o-five am. She is wearing an orangey sweater teamed with polka dotted top and a brown skirt and a pair of Mango chandelier earrings.

She has already ate her two samosas which she dug out the 'kandang' (means potato in malay) filling for one of them and is now craving for a cup of hot Twinings Earl Grey which she deems is the best brand of Earl Grey around. She likes her tea with half a teaspoonful of sugar and no milk.

She is now considering what to have for lunch even though there is still some time to lunch hour. She may go to JTC to have that $2 curry-chaipeng or even pop to Ikea if she is feeling up to it. (Latest news: the said colleague below is ordering in KFC & Pizza Hut to feed her!) And for dinner, she is going to attend a farewell feast for one of her colleagues. They will go to a swanky Japanese restaurant at Cuppage and spend the rest of the night trying to drown the estranged colleague with Sake to make it an unforgettable night. She will probably eat a lot of tempuras, unagi and agedashi tofu. If she doesn't get too drunk, she will come home and finish up her Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix and read a few blogs.

Hope your day is better than she. And oh yeah, add her to your msn if you are willing. She is bored. [hellotwit at hotmail.com]

Basis Of Morality - None Beauty Nor Wit Can Buy

2005-03-28T21:55:00.000+08:00

You know, such an incident is surely pretty damn sad but magnified by an autopsy of his actions by callous singaporeans spurred by our Singapore's most famous blogger makes the read cringe-worthy. I won't say i am not surprised to find so little compassion from the masses, a staggering amount it is. Some may find the victim's actions silly or stupid but you must agree that it is not kind to leech on another person's agony in order to find public consensus and make light of others' plight with laughter. And no, compassion is not religious business, it is human business.

"Each of us in our own way can try to spread compassion into people’s hearts. Western civilizations these days place great importance on filling the human 'brain' with knowledge, but no one seems to care about filling the human 'heart' with compassion."

A Little Bit Of Everything

2005-03-26T15:23:00.000+08:00

I love hearing about my friend's conversation, they cracked me big time.

One fine day, Girl M.'s mobile phone went ring! ring! ring! and ...

Boy G.: Hello, how are you?
Girl M.: Where have you been?
Boy G.: Oh, im in IMH now.
Girl M.:Where?
Boy G.: IMH. Institute of Mental Health.
Girl M.: *pause* What are you doing there?
Boy G. Nothing. One day, i took marijuana and got high and became frustrated with my life and i decided to surrender to the police, telling them i took marijuana. Then they sent me to IMH.
Girl M.: ...

(This moment, i interjected with peals of laughter. The police definitely thought he was mental for surrendering to them and probably did not believe he took marijuana.)

Boy G.: Anyway, the filmfest shows for this year are out! There are so many shows i want to watch!
Girl M.: But you are in IMH, can you get out?

Boy G. ignored Girl M. and continued rattling off the list of shows he is interested in. (IMH must be getting better in terms of facility. Do you mean there is internet connection in there even?)

Girl M.: OK, when are you expected to get out?
Boy G.: I have no idea but should be soon.
Girl M.: Oh, so did you make any new friends in there? (?!?!)
Boy G.: Yeah i talked to a few of them but they seemed crazy so i did not interact with them all that much anymore.

.....

Stéphane Pompougnac is wonderful. I have not had that much fun dancing since U.N.K.L.E and i shocked myself by behaving like a *groupie! One smile and one wave from him sent me into hysteria and i started jumping up and down. He took pictures of the crowd with his camera and i started smiling brilliantly into his direction (as if it can capture my sweet smile). Anyhow i had about 2 hours worth of exercise and i composed myself enough not to behave like a groupie anymore. You know Zouk has this female platform where only females are allowed to go up the platform and strut their stuff right? During that whole time, there was this one girl who was baring her meagre boobs with a low cut top and while lip size is the key to sexual attraction, she did not really have to give a mock sexy pout, trying to make her lips look very full and seductive and ended up being called 'trout lips' by me. I would not have resorted to name-calling should she show a little bit more restrain in her obvious wanting of a french male, Stéphane Pompougnac. She did not really have to whistle in his direction and touch herself to draw his attention. She did not really have to flag her arms like a bat and think that emitting her "come hither" armpit juice will draw him to her side, just like german female cockroaches do. In any case, she did all the above and unfortunately Stéphane Pompougnac saw her once and tried his damn hardest not to look in that direction again.

*groupie: An enthusiastic supporter or follower: a ballet groupie; a fashion groupie; a Stéphane Pompougnac groupie.

By the way, for those who are finding some movie to watch, try 3 iron, it is a short film and pretty entertaining even without much dialogue. I often think how i can live without restriction in my life: to work when it pleases me, to sleep when i tire, to smile when it suits me and to fuck whenever i feel the need.

One Twit Goes Porno

2005-03-24T17:58:00.000+08:00

Men are funny people.

They definitely like girls to go down on them. I've never seen anyone say no to oral sex before.

And when you do and lavish it with extra attention, they actually stop you from paying 'lip service' just to ask one same question.

.
.
.
.
.

"Why do you enjoy sucking me so much?"

It puzzles and amuses me to no end and i cannot afford any decent form of explanation. If you must force an answer out of me, i guess it's because i seek to please and going down is a sure way to heighten the pleasure. Especially if the female kneels in front of the male in the most submissive position and look at him innocently out of her big, wide eyes while the mouth performs its wanton best.

But all them males who asked, give me equal suspicion that they want me to praise the magnificence of their tumescence. Females could be insecure about everything but most males are insecure about that one thing.

Premium? My Ass!

2005-03-23T10:10:00.000+08:00

煮豆燃豆箕，
豆在斧中泣
本是同根生，
相煎何太急

My friends went to Australia for studies and during the last 2 months of their stay, they stayed with this housemate, let's call him A. A is as Singaporean as my other 2 friends are. With one exception. He seems to think that he is much more 'premium' than them.

On them drinking normal supermarket milk:
A: "You all should try this milk i bought. That is the premium brand amongst all the others. You can taste the difference."

On him eating an omelette cooked by them:
A: "Oh man, your omelette doesn't taste good! You should be like me, buy the premium type of eggs. You can taste that it's so fresh.."

On him and mushrooms:
A: "Your shiitake mushrooms doesnt taste as good as mine. I tell you, my mushrooms are from the ....."

On him and butter up his ass:
A: "Oh man, this butter that i bought is so smooth that the moment you apply on the bread, you can see that it is not cheap (?)"

One day, the friend was eating a tim tam and drinking some milk when A walked past. He made an irritating, disapproving grunt before commenting loudly "So unhealthy" before stalking off. The friend, groggy from under-sleep, decided to ignore his comments and continued eating. A walked past deliberately once more and as if to make his point heard, repeated the exact words except louder.

This irritant also has appalling living habits like not clearing his rubbish for a week and causing a carpetful of maggots to take root and further accused my friends of taking his 'best spoon' when they left the place back home. He further requested them to mail the spoon back to him! Of course i laughed in glee when my friends retaliated by using his premium vacuum cleaner to 'typhoon-ize' the maggots. As if one irritant is not enough, there has to be a duplicate in the form of a second housemate who prized 'premium' goods as much as A did. I could imagine them, sitting together, wearing a silly grin, clattering premium pots and pans and together they will chortle:

"We would not buy anything less premium,
because we are the premium of the premiums.
Our eggs must be very fresh,
for we would not accept anything less.
Our milk must be from the premium cows,
give us inferior goods and we'll turn it down.
You dont say about our shiitake,
they're the best you can ever hope to have."

As if buying the better quality goods will elevate one's status and classify them as elitists.

So? Premium? my ass!

The Selflessness Of Being Me

2005-03-21T03:22:00.000+08:00

The word 'me' holds a heavyweight meaning for me, in more ways than one.

You know, i am scared of people with enlarged earholes. I cannot help staring at the earholes without this queasy feeling in my stomach and much as i try to draw my attention away from them, they still hold their power over me like moths to flame and they just seem to echo "Look at me... Look at what big earholes i have".

There are certain kind of people i have a phobia of because instead of doing the rightfully polite thing - to look them in the eyes, my gaze would wander of their own accord to somewhere else. The 'Big Earholes' is one of them, the 'Engraved' is another. The 'Engraved' refer to the massively and heavily tattooed individuals. I just simply cannot look at them in the eye because there are so much somewhere else on their body to look at! Now i sound sexual, don't i?

Now, i look at people, i can smile sincerely right in their faces no matter what they are and how they look like. You do not have to be exceptionally good-looking for me to smile along with you. You do not have to hold great charisma for me to lose my inhibition and talk animatedly like old friends might. You do not have to have smaller earholes for me to offer you a handshake. You do not have to be slim and have great fashion sense for me to offer you a hug when you need one. What matters is that you reciprocate good will and is sincere too.

It outrages me and it grieves me when some people seem to be devoid of delicacy and sensitivity when coming to the weight issue. Not only do they make derogatory remarks about big girls, they treat them with less respect than they would to a slim female counterpart. They worship the ground slim vapid empty vessels sashay on and cast nought a second look to a bigger someone who might have much more character and inner beauty. There had been moments i met males and their gaze lie entirely on my bulging little fat tummy and i think i know what was running through their heads

"My, oh my, what a massive tummy you have! ... (the better to swallow me with)"

and it was funny how they avoided your attempted eye contact and you feel vaguely like plague. If it is not the tummy, it is the breasts. Males would mutter incoherently to the breasts and seem to expect a reply in return, perhaps by the majestic heave of the grand overrated bosom or the slight perk of acknowledgement by the nipples, just enough to get them mildly sexcited.

Emma: "Ample bosom"?
Alex: What's wrong with that? It's literary.
Emma: Oh, well, in that case, you forgot the heaving.
Alex: The what?
Emma: In every book I've ever read, whenever there's an ample bosom, there's always heaving.
(taken from Alex & Emma)

Friday Night Fever

2005-03-19T17:50:00.000+08:00

It has so much flavour sitting under a starless sky, along a colony of red umbrellas and 'smoking' barbeque pits as we dipped, tore and tasted the tender meat from the sticks of satay and drowned it with iced teh tarik.

I felt so much like burping out loud in public, rubbed my rounding (perhaps already rounded if i am willing to concede far more that i am willing to admit) tummy in satisfaction. Of course i did not. I just sat there smiling agreeably at all my colleagues and watched in silence as streams of secondary school kids started filling the place.

A quarter to twelve. These young chits should be at home sleeping while the adults come out to roam, a perogative for people my age. Afterall, i do not recall being given the liberty to stay out this late when i was their age, why should they enjoy such luxury? The laments of a deprived ex-young chit.

In any case, i left soon after to join a friend at a club and the moment i stepped into the place, there was a sense of foreboding. The dance floor was occupied with mainly males and two females and for the few females who were there, they did a great job at catching my attention. Firstly, no girl should ever dance with their legs spread open! And secondly, no girls should ever dance with their legs spread wide open! In any case, it made them look like our feathered friend - the Chicken as they strutted their stuff (with their legs wide open) in a mock sexy manner.

Four, i reached my home. Eight, i fell asleep.

Forested Thoughts

2005-03-19T04:45:00.000+08:00

This one little twit, found a way to contain her brimming merriment by scrawling on the bark of a tree. The tree, you are looking at it.