Picking Up & Get Picked Up

I have never, ever gotten picked up before. Not in the bus nor in a club, nor coming out of the restroom, nor when i'm gobbling wanton mee, nor when i am trying my bestest to bat eyelashes at that cute guy singing in Wala Wala whose name is not Jack. Either i am too fugly or too unbearably cute that looking at me will scorch their eyes or too icemaiden that my demeanor will freeze them in their tracks or too unobtrusive which i think is highly unlikely given the magnitude of my body. I could cover one and a half thin girls that Singapore has been sprouting up with, like mushrooms.

In my case, i think i am most likely reason number 1 and a slight bit of reason number 4.

But i love pick-up lines. Hearing pick-up lines so that i could spurt out that frozen magarita right into the faces of those who dare venture near my girlfriends. You see, i have rather cute girlfriends of different variety. There is the "Shu Nu" one, the "Kawaii" one (who has a super sharp razor tongue but nobody will know that because her appearance belies her tongue) and the "Exotic" one (i'm well-stocked). I usually do the job of a 'bounceress', helping them fend off the unwanted attention. Come on, with my kind of size, i just have to stand in the cute girlfriends' way (i could cover one and a half of them), fold my arms and look real mean and guys would just back off. You would not want to mess with me. *waggles boobs* I could snuff your life out in just a moment, like hantu teteks clasping the victims to their bosoms and suffocate them. *smirk*

Anyway, by mentioning that i have cute girlfriends, please do not ask me to introduce anymore. I have reached my quota for the lifetime. According to dear mother, matchmaking three pairs of couple will effectively hinder any hope of future marriage for myself.

Horror Union Number 1: One Little Twit was showing an ex-colleague, Mr Quack, neocards of herself and her girlfriends when Mr Quack exclaimed "Hey! This is the exotic girl! *points to Miss Exotic Specie* I've been *beo-ing her in NUS for a long time." One Little Twit said nonchalently "Go up to her and say hello if you want to know her and tell her you are my friend." He really did and now Mr Quack and Miss Exotic Specie are married with a 6-month old baby whom i nicknamed "Pipa Quack" (You know Pipa Duck? Pipa Quack is my idea of a lame joke).

So one good deed done. Nevermind, i told myself. It's a good thing.

Horror Union Number 2: One Little Twit introduced another (yes, she never learns her lesson!) ex-colleague, Mr Elder Tan to her best friend, Miss Shu Nu. Both these sluts kept telling me they do not have the electrifying touch for each other and guess how betrayed i felt when Miss Shu Nu started calling Mr Elder Tan "Puffy". Such an affectionate term. Something is in the air and not long after, they announced that they got together. Now Mr Elder Tan is considering marriage with Miss Shu Nu.

You know, i somehow suspect that i might just do better than SDU or Lunch Actually if i decide to conceptualise a form of matchmaking avenue.

In any case, i refuse to introduce any more friends to friends especially ex-colleagues to friends for fear the curse might come true.

I digressed too much. Back to picking up girls and pick-up lines.

I usually have to waste a whole pack of cigarettes throughout the night. Half of them for fagging because i had to calm myself to believe that such outdated pick-up lines are still in use and the other half were 'burnt for show' to ward off and warn men that they will be subjected to excruciating cigarette burns if they dare to be too forward or attempt to rubba-rubba near us.

The most daring thing i have ever instigated Miss Exotic Specie and Miss Kawaii to do was to play a prank on these 2 men. Miss Exotic Specie left Baby at home once to come clubbing with us at Mdm Wong (i know i know it's a *LLBB place ..). Miss Exotic Specie, although looks very exotic, tanned with very cuppable boobs and a flat tummy, is sometimes sadly mistaken for a transvestite for she has very sharp features and a too-good-to-be-true bod. I capitalized on that. This bloody sales dont-know-what kept passing Miss Exotic Specie slips of paper and his namecard. And his name is Edmund. I do not like the name 'Edmund', i have bad karma with them! (Sorry all other Edmunds who are reading but it's true) Another dont-know-what on the other hand, kept trying to hold Miss Kawaii's waist and blast his foul, beer-y breath right onto her face by asking her to stop acting coy and give her number to him. In the end, he passed Miss Kawaii a namecard too, the namecard stated his name 'Edwin'. I gave Edwin's namecard to Miss Exotic Specie and whispered a plan to her.

When dear Edmund walked past and tried to talk her into giving out her number, Miss Exotic Specie finally opened her mouth and out came a gruff, hoarse voice a-la an accomplished transvestite "I am touched, Edmund. No one wanted me as much as you do!" and she passed Edwin's namecard to Edmund. "My name is Edwin. Give me a call sometime soon." and she winked at Edmund who stood dumbfounded, held the card and walked stonily off in the opposite direction.

Miss Kawaii did the same and Edwin held Edmund's namecard and stood dazed for a while as we girls rushed our way out, overtaken by the spasms of laughter.
......

Common Pick-up Lines:
"You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world."
"You must be really tired. Because you have been running through my mind the whole night."
"Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."
"Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?"
"Help the homeless. Take me home with you."

I've been trying to imagine how it's like for a mandarin-speaking guy to pick up girls. Let me translate on their behalf. In order as above.

"你看起来好像一杯清凉的水！我是世界上最口渴的人!"
"你好累吧！因为你整夜在我心里跑来跑去."
"你的父亲是贼吗？因为有人偷了天上的星星， 放在你的眼睛!"
"你能摸我所以我可以告诉我的朋友有个天使摸过我"
"我无家可归。带我回家吧!"

Absolute Nono-s Pick-up Lines! (Only if you are masochistic and would like to get slapped)
"Did the Lord steal the thunder from the skies and put them in your thighs?"
"You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls."
"Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?"
"Do you live on a chicken farm (girl says no) well you sure know how to raise cocks!"
"(Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."
"The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor."
"You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!" (specially dedicated to limbueytor)

*beo-ing: Orgling
*LLBB: Lian Lian Beng Beng (Interesting youth culture in Singapore)